Remember a month ago when I said I was in this year’s dessert theater production? I said, “That means that I have a new accent to master and I won’t see my wife awake for the first two weeks of February.”

Well, here we are. My Brooklyn punk accent is pretty sharp and my poor, abandoned, but still loving wife did not see me awake yesterday. Tonight, we got about an hour. Sorry, dear. I still love you! Try not to forget what I look like and don’t shoot me when I come into the bedroom at night. Okay? Thanks. You’re the best.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Have you ever struggled to find the right word to express your frustration, pain, fear, anguish, or hate? I’m mean without cussing, of course. Cuz, you know, profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate.

Well, I’m always looking for a good alternative to profanity and today I found a great one!

Opposite of “Yay!”

Example:

Pardon me while I hammer in this nail that is right next to my thumb.
*Thumb crunching sound*
OPPOSITE OF “YAY!!”

Shamelessly pilfered from Chainsawsuit. (Don’t expect to understand Chainsawsuit. It’s weird. Like me.)

If you’ve eaten three meals a day for the last month (not counting you yahoos you think you can starve yourself skinny or get ahead by saving 10 minutes in the morning)…

If you’ve slept in a more or less climate controlled room, in a bed that you have more or less to yourself, for the last month…

If you (or your family provider) makes more than $2 a day…

Please do me a favor and watch *all* of this 40 minute video.

Do you have fat fingers? Have trouble doing things like dialing a phone or typing on a regular keyboard? Yeah, well, me too. My hands look like two hams with five bratwursts sticking out of them. So, for people like us, there are a few helpful tools. Check out this over sized TV remote.

And how about the latest and greatest technology out there? Are your fingers too fat to use an iPhone? Well, hallelujah and glory be. Those big brains over at Apple finally have a solution for fat fingers like yours and mine. It’s their much anticipated iPad.

Of course, it’s not actually an iPhone. In fact, it’s not a phone at all. It’s just a … well … a giant iPod Touch really, perfect for fat fingers like yours and mine! It also costs up to twice the price of an iPhone ($800!). It does have a high speed data connection so you can surf the web, but you can not call in for dinner reservations at Frankies Fat Finger Frankfurter Hut. (Although, the image of someone holding that behemoth up to their ear is much funnier than this bit I’m doing now.)

Oh, and in case you haven’t figured it out by now, yes, this is for real. I’m serious.