One more story kids, and then it’s off to bed! I mean it!

Okay, so most of the time I get a little sadistic tickle when I read a negative story about Wal-Mart. (Like this one. Tee hee! That tickles.) But this story is just too dumb to qualify.

An Iowa woman is suing Wal-Mart for negligence because she slipped in a puddle of puke and hurt her back. The suit does not explain how the blue giant was negligent and no word yet on whether she’ll also sue the in-store McDonald’s for selling the dangerous happy meal in which she stepped*. Some people really make me want to throw up.

Hey lady! Here’s a tip. If there’s puke on the floor, don’t step in it. Mmkay?

* There is no evidence linking any McDonald’s Happy Meal™ with this story. It was just an attempt at humor by recalling several law suits filed against bars from which drunk drivers received their bedrunkedness. Also it was a little jab at my other least favorite American staple.

Read the whole story.

You heard it here first, people! (Unless you saw the link on Drudge… or read it in any number of AP printings. But let’s not split hairs.) Breaking news from Iraq (and I’m really not making this up).

Early reports state that U.S. military commanders in Iraq have authorized cease fire talks with several militant groups. Now, hold your jeers and spoiled vegetables. I’m not saying the war is over, but it’s worth some attention. I’m curious to see how this plays out, not only in the media, but also on the ground.

We all know how well cease-fires work with Islamic terrorists. Just ask Israel, Chechnya, Lebanon, etc. But if nothing else, this makes me wonder if the U.S. leadership in Iraq is opening up to other methods. Were a cease fire to be signed, I would not expect ticker-tape parades and our boys coming home. On the contrary, I’d be looking for the proverbial other shoe to drop. Still, I think this could possibly signal some good news from the war front. Maybe our guys are starting to think of something other than, “Let’s put our boys in humvee‘s with big bull’s eyes on the sides and we’ll kill the first guys to shoot at them.”

What has become of our dear old George?

It seems to me like G Dub has embraced the “lame duck legacy” format almost a year too soon; as if Pelosi’s win last November broke his spirit and now he’s just grasping for straws, trying desperately to come up with some presidential legacy other than, “Oh, he’s the dumb one who started the war.”

I don’t believe that. I don’t believe he’s dumb at all. It takes a very able and quick minded person to become President of the United States. But clearly, George has given up the ghost.

We knew back when he was only Governor G Dub that he had unconventional views on illegal aliens. Now, he’s trying to push through this amnesty bill that is really tearing his party apart. Just last week the RNC let go its entire fund raising phone bank. They had their spin, but the people on whom the ax fell made it very clear.

“There has been a sharp decline in contributions from RNC phone solicitations, [a] fired staffer said, reporting that many former donors flatly refuse to give more money to the national party if Mr. Bush and the Senate Republicans insist on supporting what these angry contributors call ‘amnesty’ for illegal aliens.”

Granted, it’s not a huge surprise that George is hanging his hopes some kind of “Proclamación de la Emancipación”. But I was completely blown away to read this. With the storm clouds gathering around his “immigration compromise”, he has announced that he has seen the light in global warming! Whaa? That’s as silly as Bill Maher becoming a Southern Baptist; Billy Graham coming out of the closet; Brittany Spears claiming to be a Rhodes Scholar!! It’s just too ridiculous to be taken seriously!

C’mon, George. Really. What are you thinking. We love you, George. You don’t have to try and impress us. In fact, the harder you try, the worse it looks. Just stick to what you know, George. You know… “Strategery!” Because if this is some kind of joke, no one is laughing. (Other than the people who read this blog, because let’s face it, I’m friggin’ hilarious.)

It’s been a good month since there have been any stars over Dallas. What is up with this rain already?! This week’s quip is posted in hopes that the stars still exists and that we’ll see them again soon.

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars, I thought, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I think we should change the law to make burglary legal. As long as no one gets hurt, why should we punish someone who breaks into your house and steals your electronics and jewelry. They’re just trying to support their families.

It’s hard work breaking into houses. And dangerous too! Maybe we should offer free health care to burglars! I mean, come on! Where’s you’re compassion? These people could be out of work for weeks if they cut themselves on the broken glass while climbing through your living room window with your flat screen TV. Who will feed their children in the mean time? Thieves are people too!!

I’m not talking about amnesty here! Noooo. I’m talking about treating these good people with the respect they deserve. We’ll just make sure they pay taxes on the income they get from pawning your grandma’s diamonds.

I hope that you’ve figured out by now that I’m not serious. I’m making a point. There are reasons we have laws against burglary. There are also reasons we have laws against sneaking across our borders. There are reasons we have laws that require you to have a valid social security number or work visa to get a job in the United States. Anyone who thinks we should change our laws to make previously illegal behavior legal needs to have an answer for every reason behind the existing law, and compassion alone is not a reason.

The current immigration reform is being driven by two forces that are usually complete opposites. First are the bleeding-heart, leftist liberals who just want everyone to get along and can’t grasp the notion that not everyone who sneaks across the border is pure of heart. “They’re just trying to support their families!” Second is big industry who sees the endless flood of unskilled labor as a way to cut costs without out-sourcing the work to India. “Do you know what will happen to the cost of cabbage if we got rid of all the illegals?!” This is the group influencing George Dub and it breaks my heart to see it.

Both are bunk! Illegal is illegal for a reason. That is why any “compromise” is equally bunk. That’s also why intelligent people who understand politics and the issues booed their US Senator when he tried to defend his actions in pushing through this latest immigration bill. Sen Graham, after speaking at his home state’s Republican convention, said, “Immigration got booed. It’s an emotional topic. People are mad.” (Read the whole story here.) Heck yeah, we’re mad! We’re made that our law makers are excusing law breakers.

Being a Texan is pretty cool sometimes. Forget about having the coolest salsa TV commercials. (“New York City!! Get a rope!”) How about having a relatively unknown US Senator who puts donkey dancers like John McCain in their place without batting an eye.

PLEASE read this article that tells the story about Sen. John Cornyn out-classing John McCain in a recent committee meeting.

Essentially, McCain comes in barnstorming a meeting on the immigration bill (the first time he’s been a meeting in months), being his usual high-and-mighty, photo-op-seeking, grand-standing, jerk. Using the worst kind of coarse language and thus proving himself to be nothing more than a school yard bully, McCain accuses Cornyn of trying to torpedo the immigration bill. Cornyn stands up to Mister-CNN-Sound-Byte and thoroughly puts him in his place, pointing out that he had not been in any of the months of negotiations on the bill.

McCain retorts with a limp, “Nuh huh” comment (more school yard bully tactics), using more profanity. Then, McCain proves Cornyn’s point by joining a big press conference on the immigration bill, then promptly skipping town and missing his 43rd straight vote in the Senate.

You go Cornyn! Texas!! Whoop!

(Incidentally, Cornyn trying to torpedo the ludicrous immigration bill just proves to me that he’s doing a good job of representing me in Congress.)

Today is the 8th anniversary of the day Tammy and I gave our lives to each other. It’s been a long, hard road, with many dips, curves and pot holes, but also a healthy amount of beautiful scenery. (Man, did I stretch that analogy!)

Tammy put together a great blog post on her MySpace blog. Rather than duplicate effort, I’m just going to link to hers.

Clicky!

I try to be a nice guy to everyone. But some people think I’m a bit of a word snob. (Tammy would say I border on word jerk.) You can blame my mom. She’s one of those folks that reads “Enriching Your Word Power” every month in Reader’s Digest. Growing up, she constantly corrected my grammar and worked on my vocabulary. I’m glad. I like being able to speak well.

But there are down sides. Often I’m told that people are intimidated by me; that I make them “feel stupid”. I haven’t yet figured out a way to correct someone’s English without coming off as a know-it-all jerk. And I’m way too Monkish to just stand by and let someone speak incorrectly. I can usually let one faux pas slide, but repeated abuse just eats at me.

Another thing I can’t stand is bad English in print. I’m honest about the fact that I suck at spelling. I use dictionary.com all the time. (I just looked up faux pas, for example.) My grammar is usually spot on, so that’s not a worry, but I try avoid posting anything that’s incorrect. I feel like it makes me look stupid. Thus, I feel I must question the person who puts something like this on a professional web site.

“Firstly”?? What is that? Yes, it’s a real word, but not a good choice, and where’s the “secondly”? I know that I abuse ellipses, but this, along with the weird word choice was just too much. You’re trying to convince me to use your service. Hire a copy writer, dude. Seriously.

This is why I refuse to write copy for a web site. I’ll give you a cool layout and neat functionality, but you provide the words. I’m a programmer. Never trust a programmer to write good English. (Not even one whose mom taught him well.)

Yesterday I won for the second time on Blingo. Blingo is essentially Google wrapped in a different interface and run by Publisher’s Clearing House. Every time you perform a search, you have a change to win a prize. The idea is that if you use their search engine, you’ll see preferred links and ads that are paid for. But there are no pop-ups or anything too annoying, so it’s really no pain all gain.

I’ve now won two Fandango movie tickets, so Tammy and I can go see Spidey 3 for free! (Which, from what I’ve heard, may still not be worth the money.)

You can sign up for Blingo by clicking the mini-banner at the bottom of my side-bar.

I don’t do this often, but I do strongly believe in the power of mass prayer.

Jon Carney works a couple offices down from me and he needs our prayers. Last night (5/15) he wrecked his motorcycle. Friends say he was run off the road by a car. The news says speed was the biggest factor. He hit a concrete divider on an exit ramp and fell onto the highway below.

The word is that he will recover and is in good spirits. He suffered a broken back, hip and ankle and lost some teeth.

Please pray for Jon’s recovery, the doctors treating him, peace of mind, and eased pain and suffering.