It was sure close, but by my clock, it’s still February. So, with this WFHF video, I have kept my goal of at least one video a month for 2014. Whew! Too close!

Tammy insisted that I couldn’t do any other videos until I finished the sequel to 2013 Colorado Vacation (Part 1). So here it is! (And is really long. And it really is Tammy’s fault. You’ll see.)

According to the local news, this week is when most folks give up on their new year’s resolutions. It’s supposed to be the favorite time of year for regular gym rats, because all the pasty, flabby, gross (you know, regular) people have finally quit sweating on the cardio machines and hogging the weights and the over-tanned, oily, GNC folks who go to the gym everyday because the want to (sickos) can get back to their regular routines.

Well, I’ve got bad news for the gym rats. Last week, I actually got back to the gym for the first time in a month. As I posted previously, I’ve been battling some sinus cooties that have sapped my energy. I’m back on the horse now** and, I can honestly say, it felt good to get back to the gym.

Of course by, “felt good,” I mean it was a mental boost. “Felt good” is not how I would describe the physical experience. That part really sucked, actually, because the time off and the illness has set me back a bit. But you know what they*** say, “No pain… yeah, no pain. I prefer that!”

Which brings us to WBQofW #256:

My favorite machine at the gym is the one that you put money in and food comes out.

* “Gloots” is what gym rats call their butt muscles. It’s short for “gluteus maximus.” You see it’s funny because the quip is about a vending machine which that makes you fat. Get it? No? Shut up, it’s funny.

** “Back on the horse” means I’m fully recovered and doing normal things. It comes from the ranch where, when you get sick or injured (especially from falling off a horse), your primary goal is to get well so you can ride again. I’m sorry if you’re too citified to understand that.

*** “They” usually refers to the anonymous masses of a culture norm. In this case, “they” refers to me, because unlike the “they” who says stupid things like, “pain is weakness leaving the body,” I say “pain is your body telling you, ‘Hey! Cut that crap out!! It hurts!!'”

In the Universe’s relentless effort to make me feel old, few things are as effective as putting anniversary dates on things I enjoyed in my youth.

“Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” came out 25 years ago.

*sigh* Bogus.

Mental Floss has some fun facts about the old Wild Stallions:

15 Things You Might Not Know About Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

I’ve seen this one making the rounds of the internet. It made me “cubicle laugh” several times. (You know, “cubicle laugh.” When, in any other circumstance you would laugh really loud, but your at work, so you have to stifle it and nearly have a brain hemorrhage.)

I thought I would try to find and credit the original source. My search lead me through some dark alleys of the internet. It scares me to think what was behind some of those banner ads. *shudder*

The best I could come up with was a link to Ruminations.com, a blog that no longer exists, written by comedian Aaron Karo. There’s no evidence of this list on his existing site, but the “voice” does match his current work.

Anyway… to the funny! [With my comments added in brackets.]

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
[This never happens to me. DO YOU HEAR ME??!! NEVAAARRRR!!]

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
[Preach, brother.]

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
[Ya think?! … See?]

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
[This one I can help with. Find the corner seams and fold them. Ignore the rest.]

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
[Only so I can read birthday cards from my grandma.]

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
[Clearly this list is very old. You see, children, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, before Google Maps…]

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
[I always felt like they were missing something.]

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
[See also: #3]

10. Bad decisions make good stories.
[And expensive medical and/or legal bills.]

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
[3:30 pm. If it comes earlier, I’m in real trouble.]

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection … again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
[This is scarier than ever “horror” movie made in the last 10 years … combined.]

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this … ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (“Hello? Hello? [Nuts]!”), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
[For me, it’s when I wear a new and highly hilarious t-shirt.]

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
[Guilty.]

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
[I always did not like* those commercials. It’s basically promoting prostitution.]

20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
[Though, to be fair, this option might make several U.S. cities totally inaccessible.]

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
[And when I’m done, I feel justified in not going to the gym that week.]

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
[Because, children, we NEVAAARR look at our phones while driving. RIGHT??!!]

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
[Is this list getting too long, because I’m craving potato chips.]

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
[Once. Twice if it’s my boss.]

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
[YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!]

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
[Oh, children. I weep for the future.]

29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
[Cue brain hemorrhaging cubicle laugh.]

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
[Nope. Share the road.]

31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
[Watch? What’s a watch?]

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my [granny’s teeth] everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

It’s Monday! Time for another White Board Quip!

Jim picking his nose didn’t hurt anyone.

(From the Real Live Preacher blog. May it rest in peace.)

So, I went to the doctor yesterday. I know. Can you believe it? I got a steroid shot and some prescription cough syrup and a bottle of horse-pill-sized antibiotics… which I am avoiding.

See, I have this thing about antibiotics. No, I’m not one of those raw milk, organic fruit, sugar free, “vaccines are from the devil” wackos. (Although, I am very suspicious of flu shots.)

I just know that colds and flus are viral and antibiotics are only affective against bacteria. It’s plain science. And there’s this teeny tiny running feud between my wife and I on the subject. But this time, I may have to waive the white flag and pop some pills… no matter how horse-sized they are.

I’m not a sickly person, never have been. I generally play host to a virus once a year. Maybe twice. And those usually drag on for a week or so before my own quite capable immune system wins out. But since Christmas (two months ago) I’ve had three distinct colds. Three!! That does not happen.

And so, perhaps, just this once, my immune system needs a bit of help. And perhaps… well, no. I’m pretty sure actually, that I’ve got bacteria benefiting from the chaos in my body. Ears that need to pop but won’t. A ragged cough. Bleh.

I “worked from home” on Monday, in quotes because more than a little of it I was asleep. Last night I discovered that the fancy cough syrup works great but keeps me wide awake… all… night… long. Today, I slept from 5 AM to 10 AM and when I finally logged in to work, I found I was not late because the office was closed. Apparently, there was an ice storm. Not at my house, but hey, whatev’s. I still put in about 5 hours of actual work.

And now, as I watch Tuesday tick away towards Wednesday, I realize I have not posted a White Board Quip of the Week! GASP!! I almost broke the chain! (I’ll tell you more about that soon, probably.) So, here, barely, is this week’s quip:

What disease did cured ham actually have?

And now, I’d better stop typing because I can feel the Nyquil sttarrtinnnnn too kik innnn… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Tammy’s dad, Herman “Sonny” Wallar, went home today just after noon.

He was a great dad and I always felt blessed and honored that he entrusted me with the care of his daughter. He loved to sing gospel music. In fact, the last time Tammy saw him, he sang for her the song he would sing that Sunday in church. This was a miracle in itself as he was recovering from brain surgery. But today, he’s singing like never before, praising his Lord face to face.

Perhaps if Nicola Tesla had had the chance to become a composer, the world would be this awesome. But alas…

This week’s white board quip hits close to home.

Remember a few weeks ago when I posted about my old man grumpy problem? Well, we’ve come up with a solution. “Trint’s Grumpy Jar.” Yep. Every time Tammy catches me being overly grumpy, I have to put a dollar coin in the Grumpy Jar. And it seems to be working. After a month, there’s only $2 in there.

The flip side is that there is another jar: “Tammy’s Worry Jar.” (And it has more than $2 in it!)

Worry can be crippling and it is unquestionably an epidemic. As a nation, we have lost the concept of faith in God. “God’s in control.” “God can handle this.” “God is bigger than the boogie man.*”

Worry (and it’s related physical stress) have a terrible effect on your life. It can ruin your mood. It can strain relationships. It can actually kill you. (So now, you have that to worry about! You’re welcome.)

So this week’s white board quip is dedicated to Tammy and her jar. Don’t worry. Be happy.

But if I go to bed, who’s gonna worry about everything?