August 16, 2010 - 12:21 pm
Hey, Hollywood. Trint, here. Long time no see. Seriously, and it’s your own darn fault. This has been the summer of 3D and I’m sick of it. You forced me to watch Toy Story 3 in those stupid, uncomfortable, plastic glasses and I survived it, only because it was an incredible movie (and it helped hide the fact that I was blubbering like a baby by the end of the show). But the 3D requirement is getting old fast and I have reached the point of staying home rather than put up with it.
Reason 3D sucks #1: It’s old news.
I’m willing to wager that every human being who’s seen more than two movies in their life can close their eyes and picture a scene of a theater full of people wearing those old, red/green, cardboard, 3D glasses… in the early 1950’s!! 3D hasn’t been “shocking” since The Attack of the Mutant Atomic Killer Ants. So why, in the name of all that is entertaining, is 3D such a big deal now? It’s the freaking twenty-first century, people!!
Reason 3D sucks #2: It doesn’t really enhance the movie.
Unless you enjoy spending two hours pretending that monsters are lunging out at you when they’re not (ala The Attack of the Mutant Atomic Killer Ants), 3D just doesn’t really do much to enhance the story telling that is motion pictures. The horribly lopsided battle between Pixar and every other animation studio in the world bears this out year after year: Technology alone does not sell tickets. It’s the story, stupid. (With the obvious exception of Avatar, which made more money than the GDP of half the globe with an extremely tired, old, tree-hugger tale and I can only chalk that up to media hype.)
Reason 3D sucks #3: It makes some people sick.
Literally. 3D works by fooling your brain into believing that your two eyes are seeing different pictures. But not everyone’s eyes see the same. Not everyone’s eyes are spaced the same. Not everyone’s brain uses both eyes equally. My wife, Tammy, was born with a lazy eye which was surgically corrected when she was an adult. As such, her brain uses her eyes much differently than most people, and 3D movies giver her vertigo and headaches. And that, quite simply, spells “movie ruined” for both of us.
Reason 3D sucks #4: Inflated ticket prices.
I’ve been looking forward to seeing Despicable Me. I really like Steve Carell. I really really like animated movies. But when I pulled up the Movie Tavern schedule and saw that A) it was only offered in 3D (so Tammy would get sick), and B) the tickets were $11 each (while 2D shows sell for $8), I decided to wait for Netflix and watch it in my home theater, essentially for free, with no screaming kids and as much popcorn as I want at a 95% discount off of theater snack prices. Does anyone really think this business model can possibly succeed? Cuz, frankly, the word is out: jacking prices and releasing in 3D only is going to fail.
And to that, Hollywood, I say, “Good riddance!”