Q: Why can’t a bicycle stand up without a kickstand?

A: Because it’s two tired.

One atom says to another atom, “Oh no! I just lost an electron!”

The other atoms says, “Are you sure?”

The first atom says, “Yes! I’m positive.”

René Descartes was drinking in a bar. The bartender asked him if wanted another drink.

Descartes said, “I think not.” And then he ceased to exist!!

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost is tractor?

A: Where the heck is my tractor?!

(This one’s for you, Dad.)

Q: Where can you find a turtle with no legs?

A: Exactly where you left it.

Q: What did the duck do when she couldn’t pay for her lipstick?

A: She just put it on her bill.

Did you hear the one about the jump rope?

Nah. I’ll skip that one.

Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump over the barbed-wire fence?

It was udder destruction!

Q: How do you carve a big piece of wood?

A: Whittle by whittle.

Q: How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

A: Eclipse it.