Seems like nutrition is going to be a common topic for the foreseeable future here at SYNS.

Why would someone order a double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

I wanted to check on the nutritional value of a salad I had for lunch the other day. So I logged on to Wendy’s web site. I always look for the PDF document version of the nutrition info, rather than try to use some fancy fangled web form to find what I’m looking for. Some places will trick you with those web forms and not tell you the whole story.
Once, I’ve found the PDF, my eyes scan down the page, looking for “Mandarin Chicken Salad”. Ah. Here it is.

170 calories and 2.5 grams of fat. Say, that seems healthy enough. It’s only 3 points on WeightWatchers*. Sweet!

But wait. Something is amiss. These numbers seem way too low. Could 170 calories include everything that was handed to me through the red head’s drive-thru window? NO! Strangely enough, they separate out the various other ingredients that will balloon your back side.

What?! But that’s … *seven… three… carry the two…* That’s 540 calories!! Wendy! You vixen! You lied to me. But why?! This salad is not 3 WeightWatcher points*. It’s 12!! Gah! Now I’m going to have to eat half a lettuce leaf for dinner! Curse your crimson braids, Wendy!

Okay, for the purpose of full disclosure, I’m being a little sensational here. I didn’t actually have the Mandarin Chicken Salad. I had the Chicken BLT Salad which is listed the same way, but the difference is not as dramatic. And if you do use Wendy’s fancy fangled web form, it does lump all the ingredients together and shows 520 calories (closer, I guess). But still it took me a bit to catch on and realize that that stupid Honey Mustard Dressing had almost as much calories and even more fat than the salad and it’s on-board chicken. So I’m still mad about it.

A big ol’ boy like me is allowed around 37* points a day to stay svelte and sexy. I’ll write soon about why WeightWatcher points matter to me.

For lunch today, I wanted something different. I stopped of at Jack in the Box where their latest pitch is a burger made with 100% sirloin beef and offers you a choice of cheeses. Sure! That sounds better than plain old hamburger to me plus I get yummy swiss cheese instead of the normal yellow rubber stuff. I decided to give it a shot. As usual, I eschewed the combo and went for the sandwich alone. Fries are fattening and soft drinks are all sugar. Aw, what the heck. I threw in a side of onion rings (not health food, but better than fries).

My first clue that something was amiss was the fact that the paper bag I was handed looked like it came from Safeway. When I got back to the office and settled in with my big mug of water, I was pretty surprised at the size of the burger. It’s big! Really big. Bedaubed with some sort of special sauce, big pickle slices (cut longways) and bacon (didn’t mean to order that, but too late now). I dug in with nescient glee.

Even after taking off the top bun (which I always do), I could barely get my mouth over it. But I had to admit it was toothsome and lacked the drippy greasiness of most burgers. I made it through and soon after began to realize, that burger was just too big.

Hm. “Just how big was it,” I wondered. So I pulled up the Jack in the Box nutrition page. Holy heart attack Batman!!

(Before reading on, I recommend you refresh your memory on the recommended daily dosages of fat, sugar and salt in my original nutrition post.)

This monster (bun, special sauce and all) weighs in at nearly a pound. It’s crammed with a whopping 1120 calories (over half of my recommended 2000 per day) along with:

73 grams of fat (That’s well over the recommended 65g per day.)

2620 milligrams of salt (Again, more than my daily allowance of 2400mg.)

And this surprised me most of all. 11 grams of sugar (Almost half my daily allowance.)

Factor in the half order of onion rings I managed to eat and it looks like I’m having water for dinner. “Ohhh. I can’t believe I ate the whooole thing.”

[Updated. WW Points added below.]

I’ve had this idea on the back burner for a couple of years now: A topic in which I share some nutritional wisdom. Now considering my current gravitationally challenged state, I might not seem like the right person to be doling out advice on food, but that’s the great thing about the blogosphere. I don’t have to be wise in order to post wisdom! I can just post other people’s wisdom and offer it as a service by lumping it all into one place. (Drudge doesn’t write the news, he just collects links to all the good stories.)

I wanted to start off by setting up some standard metrics so I can compare apples to oranges and still make sense. (See? Using a food based metaphor in my nutrition topic! Huh? Who’s got blog mojo now?)

Sugar

Recommended daily allowance: 8 teaspoons (32 grams)
Approximately eight sugar packets.

Salt

Recommended daily allowance: 1 teaspoon (2.4 grams of sodium)
Approximately four salt packets.

Fat

Recommended daily allowance: 65 grams
Approximately six pats of butter.

WeightWatchers Points

At 240 pounds, I’m allowed 28 points a day to lose weight. If you weigh less, you get fewer points. (At 150 pounds, you only get 20.) If you’re trying to maintain your weight, you get a bit more. It’s important to note that WW points don’t take into account the quality of the carbs you eat. They’re only concerned with total calories and fat. Cherios (made with whole grains and a very little sugar) has the same point value as Fruit Loops and Frosted Flakes!

I’m probably not going to chart out protein, nutrients or vitamins, because those are pretty much all the “good” things that you seldom have to worry about getting too much of. Sugar, salt and fat are the three things that give flavor to most of our food and thus are the three things most of us get too much of.

Now that I have some cute little icons with which to express the unhealthiness of the things we eat, I hope to do a lot of posts on the topic. But for now, I’ve spent all the free time I have just creating the images and posting them. Back to work! *Cracks whip*

(From an email forward I received…)

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it. Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’rE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated with the stuff. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my life-style?

A: Hey! Round is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.”