As I write this, it’s Saturday morning; the Saturday after “Black Friday” 2013. It’s very quiet in the house. Tammy is working on her 12th hour of sleep. I could only manage nine.

Yesterday, I woke up at 2:50 AM, ten minutes before the alarm went off. (I know! Madness!) What, on God’s green Earth, could get me out of bed at such an ungodly hour? Free stuff, of course!

Cabela’s, the outdoor “big-box” store, had a pretty nifty Black Friday deal. (And it really was Black Friday!! Not Gray Thursday. *grumble*) The first 600 people in the store (which opened at 5 AM) would get one free gift. Some (probably most) would get gift cards or a few other low value trinkets. But a few (probably one per store) would get a new GoPro camera! So was that my reason for breaking the universal laws of sleep? Well, no. Not really.

I knew my chances were slim. (I consider the lottery a tax on people who are bad at math.) More than the chance for free booty, my motivation was memories. We have a few really good Black Friday stories that we still tell years later. (Particularly the time I “bumped into” the kid stealing quarters from the mall fountain, giving him and his expensive sneakers a bath he’ll never forget.)

Tammy loves the excitement of Black Friday. We both also loves to quietly mock the crazed loons who lose all perspective of reality when offered a 10% discount on some junk TV that, for the other 364 days a year, they wouldn’t give a second look.

“Wait, what? Say that again? 10%? No way, man! My uncle camped out for two days to get that wicked awesome big screen. He saved over $300!”

Really?! Well, I’ve got some really painful questions for your uncle. What was the real regular price on that “awesome” TV? Do you know? Really? I’m guessing not.

Let’s have a look, shall we?

Best Buy’s big deal yesterday was this Samsung 55″ TV. I’m confident that link won’t work in a day or so, so here’s what it looks like:

“You save” $300. That’s pretty sweet. Not nearly sweet enough for me to camp out in a mall parking lot. But still.

So here’s what I did. I took the model number from that ad and put it in Google. You won’t believe what I found. Target sells the same TV and has a Black Friday deal on it. Target is a whopping two dollars cheaper, But, through some mathematical magic, at Target, you “save” $702. Huh?!

What the what?! You have to look close, but if you do, you’ll see that Target’s “regular price” is $1599.99, a full $400 more. Do you really think that Target regularly sells the exact same TV for $400 more than Best Buy? I don’t think so. But wait. It gets better. Check out Walmart’s massive Black Friday deal… for the exact same TV.

WOW! “You save $1102!” Talk about rolling back prices! Now, I will confess, I myself would camp out in a mall parking lot for a thousand dollars! But it’s the exact same TV!! I scroll a little further down my Google search results and find this same TV listed at CDW. It’s important to note that CDW does not have a Black Friday sale on this TV. This is the really and true “regular price.”

Yep. That’s right. $990. Which means that all three of the huge Black Friday deals above are exactly 10% off. And for $90, the price of a tank of gas and a nice dinner, people will camp out, fight, scratch, claw, and commit various felonies. For $90. Are you kidding me?!

It turns out that, other than a few loss leaders (Don’t know what that is?! You need to learn!), the “big deals” on Black Friday are minimal discounts on items that don’t sell well throughout the year. And in the mean time, the stores quietly raise prices on everything else. Once they have you in the store for the 10% off TV, they stick you with 20% increases on the other stuff you planned to buy anyway. Again, don’t believe me? See for yourself:

via Bloomberg Business

What you’re looking at here is the profit margins of the top ten US retailers. The black bar is the profit margin during the holidays. The lighter bar is the profit margin for rest of the year. In other words, this is how much all average prices go up beginning just before Black Friday. Macy’s prices nearly double! Maybe the Santa at the end of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade should be wearing a a burglar’s mask!!

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, we didn’t get the GoPro at Cabela’s. There were probably 1000 people ahead of us in line. We did buy some .22 ammo (a definite loss leader) and paid full price for knife I already had on my Christmas list. The bulk of our Black Friday spending was at Home Depot. (I was pleased to see that their prices actually come down for the holidays.) I bought some batteries for my cordless tools that only go on sale once a year. (I know because I check all year long.) I got them for half price. Seriously!

Tick, tock, tick, tock… 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, NOW!!

9:10 11/12/13

There! Congratulations! You have experienced the penultimate sequential date of this century!! Isn’t that exciting? No? Really? Just me, huh? Oh well. You should know how I feel about these things after so many similar posts.

05:06 07/08/09
12:34:56 7/8/9
09:09:09, 09/09/09
11:11:11 11/11/11

And I’m sure there are more, but I don’t have TIME to find them.

But just think! Next year, on 12/13/14 it will be the LAST ONE… unless I and this blog live to see 1/2/3, 2103 that is. Oh Lord, please don’t make me live that long!

And the first person who comments that I should have posted at 8:9:10 11/12/13… shut up. It’s already bothering me. But I was driving to work and I *NEVER* blog and drive!

Bronco Bomber. One man. Two speeches. Which face will we see today? How about tomorrow? Who knows?!
(1/12/2011) At a time when our discourse has become so sharply polarized.
(10/8/2013) Extortion, insane, catastrophic, chaos.
(1/12/2011) We are far too eager to lay the blame for all that ails the world at the feet of those who think differently.
(10/8/2013) You have some ideological extremist, extreme Republicans.
(1/12/2011) It’s important for us to pause for a moment.
(10/8/2013) We’re not going to pay a ransom, you don’t pay a ransom, demand a ransom.
(1/12/2011) And make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals.
(10/8/2013) You do not hold people hostage.
(1/12/2011) Not in a way that wounds.
(10/8/2013) Ransom-taking or hostage-taking.
(1/12/2011) Usher in more civility in our public discourse.
(10/8/2013) Burn down the plant or your office.
(1/12/2011) Only a more civil and honest public discourse can help us face the challenges of our nation.
(10/8/2013) I’m going to burn down your house.
(1/12/2011) Not on the usual plane of politics and point scoring and pettiness.
(10/8/2013) Tea Party Republicans flirted with the idea of default, a nuclear bomb.
(1/12/2011) We should do everything we can do to make sure this country lives up to our children’s expectations.
(10/8/2013) You’re just a deadbeat.

[Ed: Sorry this is long, but you really should read the whole thing. Seriously.]

I’ve had a wide range of people ask me my opinion on the Syrian crisis; from co-workers to church youth. I don’t know why. But you know me. I give my people what they want!

First, as usual, history is everything. So let’s review.

The “Assad Regime” has been around a long time. Bashar Al-Assad is a leader of the Ba’ath political movement in Syria. (His dad Hafez was the party leader before him.) You probably know another former Ba’ath party leader, Saddam Hussein. Yes, Bashar and Saddam are old buddies. Both were “democratically elected” (That’s in quotes for a reason.) and both have a history of, shall we say, brass knuckle diplomacy.

However, unlike Saddam, Bashar likes to look like the good guy. He wears dapper suits instead of fake military medals. He studied in London, speaks English and married a Brit girl. He’s the Joe Cool of the Middle East. And as part of this charade, he likes to wine and dine Western diplomats.

Now, if you will recall, not long after U.S. tanks rolled into Baghdad, the peacenik Lame stream media started chanting, “Where are the WMDs?!” And, of course, there is a very logical and sound answer: Syria. When Saddam saw the writing on the wall, he stashed his goods at his buddy’s house. But, because they’re peaceniks and Lame and hate Bush more than they love the truth, this idea never saw ink.

Fast-forward about five years. Peacenik and Lame stream “Chosen One”, Bronco Bomber takes the reins. His foreign policy boils down to, “We suck and anyone we’ve ever supported sucks too.” This includes several Middle East dictators.

If you spend five minutes reading about U.S. Middle East policy, you’re realize it’s incredibly complicated and sometimes involves us propping up a bad dictator because he’s the lesser of several evils. This includes Egypt’s Mubarak, Libya’s Gadhafi, and Syria’s Asaad. But the Chosen One’s new policy encourages the overthrow of these (admittedly not angelic yet) fairly stable dictators. Great! Hooray for democracy! Except (as the rest of us know*) it’s not that simple.

Wacko extremist terrorist types, like Al Qaeda, thrive in instability. So as soon as Bronco’s “Arab Spring” breaks loose, democracy takes a back seat real fast. Suddenly Egypt’s “democratically elected” government turns into radical Islam’s Muslim Brotherhood slaughtering “infidels” in the street. Likewise, days after the good people of Syria took up arms to topple their evil dictator, the rebellion is taken over by Al Qaeda and it becomes an on-going terror attack.

The worse news is that Al Qaeda actually captured several Syrian cities and Syrian assets (quite possibly including some of Saddam’s old WMDs).

Now, Bronco Bomber (as usual) starts spouting uneducated policy threats, “fuzzy red lines,” that are (as usual) hopelessly undefinable and unenforceable. The “Un” (see also Un-Speak) announces that it’s going send people in to “observe” the civil war in Syria. A few days *AFTER* this announcement hundreds of civilians are killed by a WMD.

Bashar is smart; dangerously smart. It would not be smart to use you’re old buddy’s 20 year old chemical weapons on your own people DAYS AFTER the Un announced they were coming to inspect your war. (There is evidence that Assad explicitly rejected the use of chemical weapons.)

However, Al Qaeda is also smart and has a long running policy of killing civilians (no matter what side they’re on) to further its cause. Let’s just say that Al Qaeda did stumble across a couple canisters of weaponized sarin gas and just happened to be watching CNN when the Un made their announcement. Wouldn’t it be smart to gas some innocents with Assad’s own WMDs to push Bronco Bomber and the Un across the “fuzzy red line?” Wouldn’t that force the U.S. and the Un to take out Al Qaeda’s enemy? Pretty smart if you ask me; horrifyingly smart.

So now, Bronco Bomber is really screwed. He’s painted himself into a corner. His peacenik buddies won’t support a new war. The rest of us* are too smart to support an alliance with Al Qaeda. Mad Vlad Putin is maniacally laughing and wringing his hands as he watches the White House implode. There’s no way out for the poor Bronco Bomber. He’s going to look like the idiot he is no matter what he does. How in the good name of the Chosen One will the media bail out their Messiah?

The news comes out that Tuesday night, our great and glorious Bronco Bomber is going to address the nation. Is this going to be a “Shock on Awe” speech? Is it going to be a “Congress made me back down” speech? No one is sure. The only surety is that it will be the best tap-dance the Bronco has ever performed.

And then along comes John!

Yesterday (Monday) morning, Foot-In-Mouth Sec. of State John Kerry, spouts off a flippant attempt at condescension when a reporter asked if Assad had any way of escape from the wrath of the Bronco Bomber. Kerry said, “Sure!” Assad just has to turn over his WMDs!

Now the dominoes start falling faster than the Lame stream can type.

Kerry said this as a “Yeah right. Like that’ll happen” remark. The Lame stream instantly started backtracking Kerry’s idiocy as a “gaffe.” “He didn’t mean it like that!” But before the ink was dry, Assad and Putin pounced. The deal is struck. Putin sets himself up to sweep in and save the day. Russia will accept Syria’s WMDs to save Assad from the Big Bad Bronco.

Considering that Bronco was so hopelessly cornered, he takes this as an unexpected out! The Lame stream quickly changes tack. Now they say Kerry’s “offer” for Syrian disarmament was on the table all along. It was just “considered unlikely.”

In the mean time, the Bomber’s speech writers are burning up their keyboards to rewrite tonight’s speech. We will never know what sort of tap dance they had planned. That speech will never see the light of day. Instead, we get to watch a whole new tap dance in which the Bronco Bomber claims victory once again for his glorious diplomacy that diverted war. All hail our great and glorious Bronco.

But, my dear readers, the rest of us* know better.

* Throughout this post, when I say, “the rest of us,” I am referring to level-headed, conservative, intelligent American patriots, such as you, my readers. You are so smart! Smart enough to read this blog!!

Two years ago, I posted a hilarious mockery at the release of the iPad, implying that it was a gigantic phone for people who, like me, have fat fingers. (You can read it here. If you don’t think it’s hilarious, too bad. I didn’t ask your opinion!)

In yet another stunning display of my prognostication abilities, the mockery has become reality. Samsung seems to have fallen head over fat fingers in love with the “bigger is better” approach. Last year they released the biggest phone on the market, the Note II, with a pocket straining 5.5 inch screen. (Follow the link to see a picture of this behemoth!)

Now, they’ve announced their even fatter Galaxy Mega. Seriously. They named it “Mega.” It’s a Mega phone. Not to be confused with a “megaphone,” or is it?

And not only is it stupidly named, it is stupidly big. (Yes, really!)

The Mega features a 6.3 inch screen. 6.3 inches!! If you could manage to squeeze this thing into your pocket, you’d better cinch up your belt or risk violating all the new saggy-pants laws! Or maybe you could get some farmer John overalls with the big pocket on the chest. I’m sure the Mega would fit just right.

If you have the prodigious digits to pull it off, you might be able to hold it up to your face while talking on this smartphone. (Yes, it is a smart phone. Not a tablet!) But, fair warning, I WILL point and laugh at you! And be honest, wouldn’t you laugh if you saw this?

What would you do if the electricity in your entire state when out for months or even years? Are you prepared? 99.9% of us are not.

Some people would call me a “prepper.” But what does that really mean? Some think preppers are kooks who hoard thousands of rounds of ammunition, hundreds of pounds of rice and beans, dozens of barrels of water, and have a 1500 square foot, underground shelter in the woods. Admittedly, these kooks are the .1% who (along with most Amish) would be fine in the event I mentioned above.

Maybe the name “prepper” has been spoiled by some cable shows which thrive off of putting the kookiest kooks on display. But am I a prepper? I don’t have a bunker with years worth of food and water, but I do have a box in my closet with a few weeks worth of toilet paper and Clif Bars.

You might ask why. Well, turns out that our modern life is pretty fragile. Ask the people who survived hurricane Katrina or Sandy how quickly your life can devolve when a few basic services are taken away. But I live in North Texas! (I hear you say.) There are no hurricanes here! Okay, but say a tornado hits your local power plant. Or a flood destroys your local water supply. Or a terrorist blows up the nearest gasoline refinery. Or worse.

Did you know that a couple of weeks ago, a massive solar flare passed right by the Earth? A solar flare so powerful it would have destroyed more than half of all communication and GPS satellites. It would have melted telephone and electric transmission lines over half the planet. It would have destroyed almost all components used to get electricity to your house. My precious cell phone would have become less than a door stop. And if it had happened two weeks later or had left the Sun at a slightly different angle, the Earth would have taken a direct hit. Sounds like the making of a great disaster movie. But this time, it was for real. And it’s really terrifying.

For me personally, if there’s no power, there’s no internet, and I have no job. But even more than that, if there’s no power, there’s no… anything. No gasoline, no clean water, no food, no toilet paper… Yeah. Let that sink in.

So, am I crazy for keeping a survival box in my closet? Is it crazy that I want to buy a generator and plant a veggie garden? Maybe. Maybe not.

No, I know. Don’t get all up in my face. I’m not supposed to use the word “hate” unless it’s really necessary. SORRY!

But, I think you’ll find you agree that you… uh… really don’t like the stuff in this Work From Home Friday video. And you will probably laugh. (At least I hope so!)

I’m really torn about whether or not I believe this… and whether or not I want to believe it.

Some college kids have figured out (it would seem) how to control a drone with your BRAIN!

Game over, man! Game over!

And now for today’s bit of internet weirdness courtesy of Rhett and Link.

These posts usually crop up around the time school starts. And don’t be surprised if you see my usual “This year’s high school seniors” post in a few months. But I ran across an article on BuzzFeed that had some real gems that I had to pass along.

Marty McFly traveled back in time 30 years to 1955… in 1985… 28 years ago (ouch).

When Ralph Macchio was the Karate Kid in 1984, Mr. Miyagi was 51 years old. This year, Ralph Macchio is 51 years old. (Holy paint the fence, Batman!!)

And, just in case you still have some breath in your lungs, allow my to punch you stomach one more time. This is a picture of a Motorola Razor flip phone… IN A MUSEUM!

You may now return to your regularly scheduled nap. You’ll want to be rested up because this afternoon we’re playing dominoes in the nursing home common room. (Please bring your teeth.)