(From an email forward I received…)

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it. Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’rE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated with the stuff. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my life-style?

A: Hey! Round is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.”

If only I had the time, the means, and that many friends (quiet sob), I would do something like this.

Human Space Invaders

You saw the Jedi Squirrels. Now, a SYNS original (Honest! I made it myself!):

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America’s supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.

It’s been a year (almost to the day) since my first middle school mission trip. Wow. Only a year. It seems like it’s been … well … more than that. I went on that mission trip because I felt God was calling me to apply for the middle school youth minister position at our church. It was a test. I guess you could say I passed. I applied for the job and didn’t get it. I was glad that they didn’t offer me the job, because the same week they announced who got it, I got a fat raise at my current job, and I didn’t want to have to turn that down. See, God does have a sense of humor, but he also has a heart.

Even though I didn’t get the job, I realized that I fit much better with the middle schoolers than the high schoolers. (Hey. Stop that snickering. It has nothing to do with my maturity level, you neener heads!) I taught Sunday school for the eighth grade boys all year. It was tough sometimes, but I really feel that God used me and I have some great relationships with those guys.

Tonight, I’m packing for my second MSMT and thinking about the experience of last year. (You can read about it here.) I feel unworthy. I know it’s going to be hot and exhausting work but I also know that God is going to do amazing things. I’m eager to see what God has in store, but I know that I am a fragile jar of clay, unworthy of the treasure that is inside me, the treasure that God is going to pour out this week.

Pray for the trip. Pray for our middle schoolers. Pray for the little ghetto kids who are going to experience God’s love this week. See you next week!

Gross Warning: The following post contains 1500% of the recommended daily allowance of personal information. Reading this post my cause mild nausea or the urge to smack Trint for telling you stuff you reeeaaally didn’t want to know.

Yesterday, I woke up with a funny feeling. Not the good kind of funny feeling you get when you think someone is going to give you a present. Not the bad kind of funny feeling you get when you’re pretty sure you left your car’s lights on all night. It was the kind of funny feeling you get when you wake up and realize you forgot to pee before you went to bed and now your bladder is contemplating suicide. The strange thing was, I did pee before I went to bed and even after peeing, the feeling was still there. Weird.

As I went through my day, I applied my years of medical training to the situation and decided I must have a mild infection “down there” brought on be dehydration. Last Saturday I spent over twelve hours at an outdoor Christian rock concert and I’m confident I got pretty badly dehydrated there. I committed to drink as much water as I could stomach for the day and see if I could “fix” the situation without medical intervention.

By the end of the day, the funny feeling was still there, but not as bad. I figured if it still hurt in the morning I would go to Care Now and get some drugs. My stomach was feeling pretty weird, but that was too be expected after drinking two or three times my normal water intake for the day.

Before bed, I felt a brand new funny feeling. This time it felt more like gas on my left side. I decided to sit on the couch and wait out the storm, so to speak, rather than share it with my wife in the bedroom.

By about 11:30, the slight pressure I had assumed was gas had turned into an intense, stabbing pain (8 out of 10 for you ER folk) in my left side and back. “Uh oh,” my years of medical training told me. “That’s where your kidneys are. Maybe your infection is worse than you thought. Or worse, maybe you have a stone. We might not be able to hold out for Care Now in the morning.”

I crawled to the bedroom (Yes, literally. Shut up! It really hurt.) and said, as gently as I could, “TAMMY! TAKE ME TO THE ER!! NOW!!! OW! OW! OW!! OWWWW!!!”

We arrived at the ER about midnight. They were really nice there and the ER didn’t seem too busy. I was taken straight back to a room. Pee in the cup, X-Ray, CT scan, and (best of all) morphine! WHEEEE! In less than an hour, I was free as a bird. The doctor came by… sometime (at that point I didn’t really care. Wheeeee!) and said, “Mr. Ladd, your years of medical training were spot on!” Okay. That’s not really what he said. But I was right. The CT scan found a golf-ball sized kidney stone, with claws and teeth and hair and a very bad attitude, making its way to my bladder. Okay, okay. Not really golf-ball sized. It was probably a little smaller than that. Probably. But it definitely had claws. Seriously.

They sent me home with some big ol’ drugs and a cute little strainer to pee in. Apparently, urologists like to collect these things and turn them into jewelry for their wives.

Today, as ordered, I stayed home from work waiting for the “blessed event”. I was no longer in pain, even without the drugs. I did follow the other prescription, which was to drink as much cranberry juice as I could without drowning in the stuff. I managed about 64 ounces between 9 AM and 5 PM. Ugh.

The delivery was not what I expected. It stung a little, but it was nothing compared to the pain from the previous night. Here’s the little bundle of joy from two different angles.

Okay, okay. Those pictures might be a little magnified. I’d say, about 20 times or so. This is probably closer to the actual size. (About 1 millimeter, the thickness of a dime.)

Anyway. I’m feeling fine now. Just a little water-logged. Well, cranberry-juice-logged, to be specific. Thanks for the prayer and concern. And I promise if this ever happens again, the pictures will be much more graphic. *wink*

Okay. Maybe I’m just being neurotic. Maybe I’m obsessing. Maybe I’m beating a dead horse. (You don’t HAVE to agree with me.) Today, I found yet another article on driving while using a cell phone. Yes, I’ve posted about this before.

U of Utah published one of the first studies I read on the subject. They just finished a new study in which 40 drivers, both male and female, were put in a driving simulator. They drove normally. Then, they drove while talking on a cell phone. Finally, they drove while legally drunk (0.08 b.a.c.). The results will probably surprise you.

While intoxicated, the drivers followed too close, hit the breaks too hard (which in real-life would get them rear-ended) and had a bunch of “close calls”, but no accidents.

While talking on the phone (with or without “hands free” devices), they drove erratically, not keeping a consistent speed or following distance, and their reaction times where much slower. The phoning drivers had three accidents.

Yes, you got that right. The phoning drivers had more accidents than the drunk drivers. We all know that driving drunk is dangerous and, in the real world, does cause accidents, but talking on the cell phone is quite possibly more dangerous than driving drunk.

Cell phone makers continue to cry foul, insisting that other distracting activities are worse than phone driving. Specifically, they point out that putting on make-up (farding), and reading are statistically more dangerous. Well, DUH. But according to the NHTSA, about 10% of the drivers on the road, at any given time, are on the phone. I’m confident that far fewer folks are taking in War and Peace on the highway. And don’t get me started on farding in the car. That’s probably the only thing that aggravates me worse that cell phones behind the wheel.

As I wait for all my development applications to start up this morning (Booting is such a task anymore. *sigh*), I thought I’d share a little dose of funny with you.

It’s no secret that I’m not a big fan of Wal-Mart. So when Jib-Jab did a song mocking the retail giant, I, of course, watched it several times, and saved the link for such a time as this.

Enjoy! (Clicky clicky)

I was chatting with my good friend Randy Peterman this morning on the subject of youth (not the attribute, but rather the little people who drive their parents nuts). We had a stimulating conversation about the state of our nations young people, the sad state of modern parenting, and the Biblical alternative. But I’m not going to tell you about all that. I going to share the funny part!

Randy: The thing that amazes me is that any of us turn out at all

Trint: By the grace of God, man. By the grace of God.

Randy: yup

Trint: Sometimes I wonder if the problem with today’s youth is that too many of them are surviving. When we were kids, there were no such things as car seats and bicycle helmets. We played with toys with exposed electric contacts and thousands of “choking hazards”.

Randy: Yes

Trint: Maybe what today’s youth need is a little attrition.

Randy: Thinning out the masses

Trint: Exactly. “See why you should listen to Mommy? Johnny didn’t listen and now he’s dead. You don’t want to die, do you?”

Trint: >:-D

Randy: ROFL

No, of course I’m not serious… although…

* Mark 10:14 (KJV)

In the spirit of Jedi Squirrels, I give you, Army Squirrel.