Once upon a time I interned at Hewlett Packard. Toward the end of my stay there, the company split in two with the HP moniker going to the public facing PC, printer, scanner market; and the companies foundation of testing and medical equipment was renamed Agilent. New logo, new name, and new attitude, or so we were told.

Once upon a yesterday I was talking to my current boss about our company’s new logo and how much it reminded me of Agilent’s logo.

With the tender memories all afresh, I decided to pay the old neighborhood a visit. A quick google search took me to a site that I was quite sure was not the official Agilent site. Oh, but I was wrong. It IS the official Agilent site. This horrible mash of text links; slow loading and slower reading; is in fact the face that Agilent offers the world. “Hey! Look at us! We suck at making web sites, but our network testing tools are great!”

And don’t make the mistake I did and try out the Japanese version of the site. It seems they set a cookie (or fortune cookie) on your browser and after you load the page with all the squiggle marks instead of letters, you CAN’t GET OUT! Their home page reads the cookie and says, “Oh, you silly user. You meant to go to the Japanese site! Here let me take you there without asking.”

GAH!! How does a billion-dollar company end up with a web site that looks like it was done by a college intern?! Oh yeah… here come those tender memories again.

According to CNN, “Bush apparently leads Kerry in pre-debate poll.” … Apparently? As in 53 is apparently greater than 42?! Golly, with such well founded mathematic principals, it’s no wonder they’re the leader in left-wing balanced news coverage.

The article also says:

“Headed into their first face-to-face debate, President Bush appears to be leading Democratic Sen. John Kerry among likely voters, with a clearer edge among registered voters.”

OH! So you’re saying that non-registered voters are not quite as fond of Bush. WHO CARES!! Non-registered voters DON’t COUNT!!

By the way, the difference in percentage between the two polls “likely voters” and “registered voters” is less than the margin of error in the poll. Yaaay math!

Okay, quick. Look at the time and date on this post. I want it to be very clear that I am psychic!!

It’s Tuesday, September 28th, and I’m saying this now, not later when it actually happens.

Utilizing my cosmic, mystical, ethereal powers of seeing into the future, I am about to give you glimpse into the “yet-to-be”. Ready?

In the next 30 days, major media outlets will “marvel” at John Kerry’s “resurgence” in the “polls”. They will credit his “debate skills” and the fact that he is “winning over” Americans with his “firm stand” on Iraq and the economy.

It will happen. Also, everything that appears in quotation marks above will be entirely false and misleading.

The great OZ has spoken!

I’ve got a whole new supply of Conversation Enhancers!

http://despair.com/

“None of us is as dumb as all of us.”

When you think of China, I’ll be you think of The Great Wall, rich history, lush country sides, and lots of tea and rice. Right? I’m sure that’s what the International Olympic Committee was thinking of when they awarded the 2008 Summer Olympics to Beijing. I’m sure it will be an amazing specticle, especially concidering these facts:

China, the last “1st world” country still clinging to communism, has boomed economicly in the last few decades after opening it’s doors to western commerce and culture.

That is, except for religion. The Chinese government acknowledges imprisonling 3000 people for practicing religion. Most civil rights groups believe the true number is exponentially higher.

Oh, and don’t forget their “family” policy. In China, it is against the law to have more than one child. Because of this, most female children are aborted or killed after birth, since they can not carry on the family name. Women found carrying a second child are taken into government custody and given and abortion, whether they want it or not.

Okay, okay, so they’ve got some policy issues, but just look at their amazing technilogical progress!

China has nearly completed the biggest hydro-electric dam in the world, the mighty Three Gorges Dam. The project is to provide huge amounts of electricity and control flooding along the Yangtze river. The United States used a paltry 4.3 million cubic meters of concrete to create that silly little Panama Canal. The Three Gorges Dam contains 26.4 million!! An engineering master piece, right?

Well, maybe not. Since construction began, around 80 cracks have developed in the dam. Of course that’s only counting the cracks that are over 8 feet DEEP. Not all those silly surface cracks that are only 6 or 7 feet deep.

Almost two million chinese citizens will lose their homes and land when the dam and resevoir are complete. That’s roughly the population of the entire state of New Mexico. 40% of the people displaced by the dam will receive no compensation from the Chinese government.

Well, at least they’re got that flooding under control. Nope. The deforestation and massive earth moving project that rerouted the Yangtze River for the dam project has caused the flooding to get worse. Just a few days ago, the river and locks around the dam had to be closed because of flooding in the area. The concern now is that water will have to be released from the not quite finished dam. The deluge down stream is likely to devistate several villages.

Okay, well how about that Great Wall, huh? That’s a great piece of work. It must take a great country to build a wall like that! True. It took 1.8 million forced laborers back in 555 A.D., many of whom died in the process and some are actually entombed inside the wall. Funny. That’s the same number of people who homes are going to be under a lake. What a coincidence.

This web site didn’t render very well for me using Firefox, but you can still see the “Watch The Trailer” and “Buy The DVD” buttons, which are most important.

http://www.fahrenhype911.com/

By the way, Hollywood, do us all a favor and stay out of politics. You really don’t get it.

I’m not Rambo. I don’t think there’s a justifiable reason for a private American to own a fully-automatic machine gun or a grenade launcher. But I do own a hand gun. Now, with that said, let’s discuss the fire-arm-phobic media and some of the stupid things they say.

In the next week or so, a gun ban passed by President Clinton (under the shadiest of political circumstances) will expire, due to a congressional repeal of that ban. And the media is FREAKING OUT

The hype (this, from Reuters):
“The ban on such weapons as Uzis and AK-47s will expire at midnight next Monday unless Congress votes to renew it. …high-powered guns and large-capacity ammunition clips could flood America’s streets…”

The fact:
AK-47s and UZIs along with all other fully automatic weapons are covered by several other fire arm and crime laws. When the Clinton ban expires, AK-47s and UZIs will still be illegal. If fact, the Clinton ban is so poorly conceived that it does not cover many true assault rifles.

The hype (from Carolyn McCarthy, D-NY):
“The NRA is an extremely powerful group, there’s no two ways about it… [politicians] don’t want to tick them off two months before elections.”

The facts:
After the gun ban was passed in 1994, virtually every one of the legislators that voted for the ban was defeated in the biggest congressional land-slide election in history. If you think the NRA had the power to orchestrate the ’94 landslide, then you give them far too much credit. If that were true, McCarthy would surely not be in office to begin with. Sorry, Carolyn. It’s called democracy.

The hype (from Amy Sisley of Physicians for Social Responsibility):
“It is a health-care crisis… 90 percent of spinal cord injuries in the United States are caused by gunshot wounds.”

The facts:
Amy Sisley is either a complete idiot or she does not know how to read. What crack-smoking maroon would honestly believe that 90% of spinal injuries are caused by assault rifles?! Lady, have you been on a highway lately? Have you ever in your precious, sheltered life heard of a car accident?

The established facts are that a quarter of once percent of violent crimes in the US (that’s 1 in 400) involve weapons covered by the Clinton ban (and all of those weapons are already banned by other laws). Only 5% violent crimes (1 in 20) involve fire arms legal or otherwise. The vast majority of violent crimes are perpetrated with knives, blunt instruments, or bare hands.

Now, let’s consider that 95% of crimes that are committed without guns. What do you think would happen if victims of those violent crimes carried legal, licensed hand guns? Ever heard the phrase bringing a knife to a gun fight? Face it. Violent criminals are just not the smartest people. But even they are smart enough not to face down a gun when they’re holding a golf club.

How many crimes do you think are prevented every year by law abiding citizens who are willing and able to protect themselves from criminals by owning and being willing to use legal fire arms in their own defense? Unfortunately, that statistic is impossible to calculate, but pick up any gun magazine in any given month and you will read two or three letters to the editor by licensed gun owners telling of a crime that didn’t happen thanks to a legal, private fire arm. Seriously, try it!

A conference of “Religion Experts” in Austin, Texas… *Snicker*

Okay, wait. Sorry. I swear I can say this with a straight face if I concentrate…

A conference of “Religion Experts” in Austin, Texas, have come to the conclusion that Jesus Christ, the Messiah, the “the carpenter from Galilee was the original Democrat.” *Chuckle*

Okay, sorry. There’s just no way I can say this without laughing. How unprofessional of me. Please forgive my lack of respect for… “Religion Experts” in Austin, Texas…

*Bursts into convulsive laughter*

“Keep Austin Weird!!”

*Doubles over laughing with tears now streaming*

I can’t… I can’t… Oh, it’s too funny.

Complete Article Here.

I was talking to my friend Randy Peterman via IM today, and we decided the Olympic coverage would be much more fun if elves and dwarves were allowed to compete. Here’s a taste of the “Lord of the Olympic Rings Summer Games”:

“Gee Tim, Legolas sure looks good on the high bar this year!”
“That’s right Elfie. Even though the rating system only goes to a perfect 10.0; which I achieved 20 years ago before I became a washed up, witless commentator; Legolas’ quadruple-flip-over-the-bar release move earned him a perfecter 15.0! That’ll be hard to beat.”
“It sure will, Tim. Now, we turn to Gimli on vault.”
“That’s right Elfie. Gimli will be attempting a Full Thorin Oakenshield, which is humanly impossible, giving it a start value ‘outuva’ 17.”
“Ha ha ha. You said ‘outuva’ like it’s some kind of special Gymnastics term, when really it’s just bad grammar. I wonder if Gimli’s beard is going to be a distraction during this vault.”
“That’s right Elfie.”
“What’s right Tim?”
“That’s right Elfie. Here’s the approach! Oooh. Eeeh. Ugh. WOW! That was great. He really stuck that landing. It reminds me of that perfect 10.0 vault I did 20 years ago. Remember that?”
“Yep. It’s a shame Gimli vaulted a good fifteen feet past the landing mat and ‘stuck’ his landing right on top of the entire Romanian team. What a mess.”
“That’s right Elfie. That’s a compound fracture if I ever saw one. It’s not going to help the Romanian’s chances to medal.”

<RANT>
I love the Olympics. My wife fills half a dozen video tapes every four years so she can weather the down time until the next Olympics roll around. (No, I’m serious.) The athleticism, the drive, the indelible human spirit; it’s all so inspiring. Every four years, the bar is raised, records are broken, and unimaginable feats become reality.

You know what else is inspiring? NBC’s coverage of the Olympics. It inspires me to watch re-runs of Cheers on TBS! Every two years (Let’s not forget that they butch the Winter Games too!) NBC achieves new heights in idiocy, provides record breaking annoyance and makes unimaginable suckage a reality. To quote Greg Storey over at Airbag, the coverage is “sucktacular”!

Seriously! Who can I pay to get the Olympics on another network?! ANY other network. Heck, the Cartoon Network could do better than those yahoo’s with the Peacock. I’d take Sponge Bob and Patrick any day over Tim Daggett and Elfie Schlegel. (Yeah, yeah. Tammy watches Gymnastics, so I do too. It takes a real man… oh never mind.)

Now, I know they’re not all bad. Bob Costas is a cordial enough guy, but is there any way we can get Katie Couric assigned to cover deepest darkest Congo? I’m sure her witless banter and mind numbing trivia would sound better with rocket propelled grenades whizzing overhead.

Who is the guy who handles scheduling over at NBC? Is there a minute hand on his watch? I’m thinking to myself, “Hey Self, how’s it hanging? Let’s see what time the 200M Freestyle is on tonight. Gee. The schedule says, ‘8:00 PM – 12:00 AM: Olympic Summer Games’. That is SO helpful. Maybe I’ll just scrape my thighs with a cheese grater instead of listening to Katie for four hours just so I can see a 60 second race.” I’m not making this up. See for yourself!

*Sigh* Okay. I feel better now. Does anyone know how I can get BBC-Canada on my TV?
</RANT>