[Edit: I wrote this last week, but was busy with work and didn’t notice that I forgot to publish it. Sorry about that.]

I was seven years old when “Raiders of the Lost Ark” hit theaters. I still remember the shock and mild nausea I felt when the big bald guy splattered across the airplane canopy. Good times.

I’ve discussed at length the trilogy trap that the Indiana Jones series represents. And now, almost three decades later (Yikes, am I that old?!) Dr. Jones is following Rocky and Rambo in a sad new trend.

Studio Exec: We’re hemorrhaging dollars here, boys. We need a real hit! What have you got?

Pitch Man: How about this? Will Farrel plays an obnoxious, offensive, stupid <insert sports profession>?

Studio Exec: We’ve already got two of those in production!

Pitch Man: Drug addled, sex crazed, wise cracking teenagers make fools of <insert hard working, grown ups and/or parents>?

Studio Exec: The lawyers are still working on the last one.

Casting Director: She said she was 18, I swear!

Studio Exec: Shut up! I thought I fired you already.

Pitch Man: How about cute yet irreverent CGI animals? You know, with fart jokes for the kids.

Studio Exec: One in theaters, two on the drawing board, and four straight to DVD this month! No, what we need is a real block buster, like back in the good ol’ days.

Pitch Man: What I wouldn’t give for another Rocky or Indiana Jones.

Studio Exec: Perfect! Are those guys still alive?

Casting Director: Clinically? Yes.

And so, good ol’ Indy was back, cracking his whip, dusting off his fedora, and slathering on the Bengay between takes.

Was there lots of action? Of course. Was there clever humor throughout? Clever-ish. Was the movie fun? Yyyeah. I’d say so. Then why I’m I so reluctant to to say I liked it?

Honestly, the formulaic script was a little too predictable. And maybe it’s been too long since I sat down to watch the old… er… young Indy, but in this new one the suspension of disbelief was off the charts. They drive a truck off a cliff, into a tree, and the tree bends over and sets them gently down, as if Bugs Bunny were behind the wheel. C’mon!

And then there’s the over-arching premise. Remember how everyone hated Temple of Doom? Remember how stupid all the voodoo, oogy-boogy crap was in that one? Well, this one’s worse. I’m hesitant to spoil it for you, but I feel you must be warned. This one is about aliens. And I don’t mean the kind that you underpay to clean your house or mow your grass. Yep. Straight up, Roswell conspiracy, big-black-almond-shaped-eyed, gray skinned, flying saucer aliens.

There I said it. It’s out there in the open, drawing flies like the pile of poop it is. I wanted so much to like this movie and there are parts of it that stir that seven-year-old kid in me. But the rest of the movie makes the 34-year-old guy in me really mad that they’ve done this to Dr. Jones. And just for that, two grins!