I’ve seen this one making the rounds of the internet. It made me “cubicle laugh” several times. (You know, “cubicle laugh.” When, in any other circumstance you would laugh really loud, but your at work, so you have to stifle it and nearly have a brain hemorrhage.)

I thought I would try to find and credit the original source. My search lead me through some dark alleys of the internet. It scares me to think what was behind some of those banner ads. *shudder*

The best I could come up with was a link to Ruminations.com, a blog that no longer exists, written by comedian Aaron Karo. There’s no evidence of this list on his existing site, but the “voice” does match his current work.

Anyway… to the funny! [With my comments added in brackets.]

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
[This never happens to me. DO YOU HEAR ME??!! NEVAAARRRR!!]

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
[Preach, brother.]

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
[Ya think?! … See?]

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
[This one I can help with. Find the corner seams and fold them. Ignore the rest.]

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
[Only so I can read birthday cards from my grandma.]

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
[Clearly this list is very old. You see, children, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, before Google Maps…]

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
[I always felt like they were missing something.]

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
[See also: #3]

10. Bad decisions make good stories.
[And expensive medical and/or legal bills.]

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
[3:30 pm. If it comes earlier, I’m in real trouble.]

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection … again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
[This is scarier than ever “horror” movie made in the last 10 years … combined.]

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this … ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (“Hello? Hello? [Nuts]!”), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
[For me, it’s when I wear a new and highly hilarious t-shirt.]

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
[Guilty.]

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
[I always did not like* those commercials. It’s basically promoting prostitution.]

20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
[Though, to be fair, this option might make several U.S. cities totally inaccessible.]

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
[And when I’m done, I feel justified in not going to the gym that week.]

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
[Because, children, we NEVAAARR look at our phones while driving. RIGHT??!!]

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
[Is this list getting too long, because I’m craving potato chips.]

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
[Once. Twice if it’s my boss.]

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
[YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!]

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
[Oh, children. I weep for the future.]

29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
[Cue brain hemorrhaging cubicle laugh.]

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
[Nope. Share the road.]

31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
[Watch? What’s a watch?]

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my [granny’s teeth] everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

It’s Monday! Time for another White Board Quip!

Jim picking his nose didn’t hurt anyone.

(From the Real Live Preacher blog. May it rest in peace.)

So, I went to the doctor yesterday. I know. Can you believe it? I got a steroid shot and some prescription cough syrup and a bottle of horse-pill-sized antibiotics… which I am avoiding.

See, I have this thing about antibiotics. No, I’m not one of those raw milk, organic fruit, sugar free, “vaccines are from the devil” wackos. (Although, I am very suspicious of flu shots.)

I just know that colds and flus are viral and antibiotics are only affective against bacteria. It’s plain science. And there’s this teeny tiny running feud between my wife and I on the subject. But this time, I may have to waive the white flag and pop some pills… no matter how horse-sized they are.

I’m not a sickly person, never have been. I generally play host to a virus once a year. Maybe twice. And those usually drag on for a week or so before my own quite capable immune system wins out. But since Christmas (two months ago) I’ve had three distinct colds. Three!! That does not happen.

And so, perhaps, just this once, my immune system needs a bit of help. And perhaps… well, no. I’m pretty sure actually, that I’ve got bacteria benefiting from the chaos in my body. Ears that need to pop but won’t. A ragged cough. Bleh.

I “worked from home” on Monday, in quotes because more than a little of it I was asleep. Last night I discovered that the fancy cough syrup works great but keeps me wide awake… all… night… long. Today, I slept from 5 AM to 10 AM and when I finally logged in to work, I found I was not late because the office was closed. Apparently, there was an ice storm. Not at my house, but hey, whatev’s. I still put in about 5 hours of actual work.

And now, as I watch Tuesday tick away towards Wednesday, I realize I have not posted a White Board Quip of the Week! GASP!! I almost broke the chain! (I’ll tell you more about that soon, probably.) So, here, barely, is this week’s quip:

What disease did cured ham actually have?

And now, I’d better stop typing because I can feel the Nyquil sttarrtinnnnn too kik innnn… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Tammy’s dad, Herman “Sonny” Wallar, went home today just after noon.

He was a great dad and I always felt blessed and honored that he entrusted me with the care of his daughter. He loved to sing gospel music. In fact, the last time Tammy saw him, he sang for her the song he would sing that Sunday in church. This was a miracle in itself as he was recovering from brain surgery. But today, he’s singing like never before, praising his Lord face to face.

Perhaps if Nicola Tesla had had the chance to become a composer, the world would be this awesome. But alas…

This week’s white board quip hits close to home.

Remember a few weeks ago when I posted about my old man grumpy problem? Well, we’ve come up with a solution. “Trint’s Grumpy Jar.” Yep. Every time Tammy catches me being overly grumpy, I have to put a dollar coin in the Grumpy Jar. And it seems to be working. After a month, there’s only $2 in there.

The flip side is that there is another jar: “Tammy’s Worry Jar.” (And it has more than $2 in it!)

Worry can be crippling and it is unquestionably an epidemic. As a nation, we have lost the concept of faith in God. “God’s in control.” “God can handle this.” “God is bigger than the boogie man.*”

Worry (and it’s related physical stress) have a terrible effect on your life. It can ruin your mood. It can strain relationships. It can actually kill you. (So now, you have that to worry about! You’re welcome.)

So this week’s white board quip is dedicated to Tammy and her jar. Don’t worry. Be happy.

But if I go to bed, who’s gonna worry about everything?

This week’s white board quip is in recognition of my wife’s new job. She started this morning. Short text messages, sent on the sly, have been coming in all morning. Things like, “Perk! Deli *in* the building!”

I think she’s happy.

Imagine the amount of self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

I couldn’t do it. No way.

And, no. Tammy does not work in a bubble wrap factory.

To update the previous post: Tammy got a job…

What?

From her first interview…

WHAT?

So, basically, she was unemployed for three days.

WHAT?!

Her unemployment paperwork arrived in the mail the same day she got her new job offer.

WHAAAT??!!

Yeah. I know. She’s that amazing. Now, we look forward to seeing what adventures this new job holds!!

Good job, Tammy. You rock!

First, this week’s white board quip:

The wages of sin are death, and the benefits package sucks too!

Ha ha! Get it? Because… like… a job. Haa… yep. Moving on.

My wonder wife, Tammy, finds herself in an uncomfortable position today. After 10 years working in the same building (off and on… it’s complicated), last week she found that building locked and dark. That place is done. Stick a fork in it. Shut down. Closed up. Space for rent.

I can’t imagine going to an interview for the first time in 10 years. The nerves mixed with excitement. The concern at watching the time stretch between the last paycheck and the first. The huge, dark, yawning chasm that is “the unknown!”

Thankfully, I still have an awesome job. (Best employer EVER! And I’m not just saying that in case my boss reads this. Oooh. Does my boss read this blog?! Yikes.) Financially, we’re going to be ok. And, thankfully, Tammy is awesome. She had her resume warmed up and sailing across the internet within hours. In fact, she has an interview today!

But beyond a comfortable savings account and good work ethic, the best thing we have is our faith in God. The coolest thing about real, true, tested faith is that you find comfort in that huge, dark, yawning chasm. Yes, it’s unknown, but unknown isn’t bad. In fact, it’s kind of exciting.

Tammy and I have ridden out some pretty tough “adventures” in our 14.5 years and that’s not to mention those that we each had in our own lives before that. And, for each one there came a day (usually MUCH after the fact) when I would suddenly see, with perfect hind-sight, how God took all those broken pieces, swirling in a cloud of apparent chaos, and put each piece exactly where it needed to be. And every time that day comes, I’m blown away.

I don’t look into the dark unknown with fear. I smile, looking forward to the day when I get to look back on it and see the perfect plan that God had all along.

Now THAT is a great benefits package!!

FAIL! (via PleatedJeans)

I tried to post this on Facebook, but for some ridiculous reason, Facebook can’t display animated gifs. C’mon, man. GeoCities had that figured out in 1994… 20 years ago!