Do you SUPPOSE the correct word is SUPPOSED to be “SUPPOSEDLY”? “Supposubly” is NOT a word just because Joey Tribbiani used it!

Rob Cockram (Cockeyed.com) has started a new section called “Things I figured out” which includes hundreds of reader submitions. In this I found a lot of simple wisdom. I think I have learned a lot of simple wisdom in my life, so I thought I’d share.

Introducing a brand new SYNS category: Simple Wisdom!

Women are never impressed by the fact that you can quote anything from Monty Python.

(From an email forward I received…)

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it. Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’rE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated with the stuff. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my life-style?

A: Hey! Round is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.”

Time for some geek links!

I love William Shatner. The guy has an endless sense of humor and is always willing to poke fun at himself. If you can’t laugh at yourself, rest assured everyone else will!

Shatner serenades George Lucas. (I LOVE everyone’s face when Shatner comes on stage at a Star Wars event.)

From an old Saturday Night Live sketch, Shatner trashes Trekkies. (The audio and video don’t jive, but it’s still funny.)

What could be more geek than a montage of Star Trek (TOS) dubbed to Monty Python’s “Camelot”?!

For a true 80’s kid geek, the only thing cooler than a Trek/Python parody is a LEGO/Python parody. (Watch closely for the parrot sketch reference.)

And for those of you who have never seen the original (*gasp*) or those who just can’t get enough, here is the Monty Python version of the Monty Python song. Umm. Right.

And, precisely because you didn’t expect it… The Spanish Inquisition (in two parts).

I loves me some YouTube! It’s a brave new world!

I don’t like to bring sad news to my blog. It is, in its very nature, a place to laugh, but I don’t feel much like laughing today.

Last night, we got a phone call that we’d been expecting. One of our “kids”, Rachel, called to let us know her dad went home. He was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor a month or so ago. Rachel, an 8th grader in our youth group, lives with her mom, but was very close to her dad. She’s been dealing with depression, frustration, and anger (as anyone would) since the diagnosis and Tammy and I have done all we could to love and encourage her and her mom.

Just past midnight, we headed over to Rachel’s grandmother’s house where he had been living under hospice care. We hung out until about 3 AM when the mortuary folks came and took his body.

Tammy’s never experienced death up close. It’s probably the topic she’s most uncomfortable with and I was curious to see how she would handle the situation. She was perfect.

I firmly believe that God uses bad situations to accomplish good things. I think that last night was the best possible way to expose Tammy to this part of life. Since she was not related to the person who died (in fact, we never even met the guy) she didn’t have to deal with her own feelings of loss. Instead she was able to focus her energy on loving those who were hurting. She was exposed to the experience without having to experience it. I’m confident that this will give her what she needs to deal with the experience herself down the road.

It’s funny how our culture has such a hard time with death. I’ve seen cemeteries in Europe where people sit and eat lunch among the tombs as they would in a city park. In some cultures, funerals are celebrations of either a life well lived or a passage into a better existence than ours. In some cultures (sadly), death is praised as an admirable service to god and country, a tool of war.

But here, we avoid it at all costs. We shutter when we drive by a cemetery. We spend most of our life, and a good chunk of our income, trying to cheat death, trying to stay young, anything to keep us from the thought that we will ever die. Why is that?

Personally, I prefer the teachings of Paul: “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” I don’t look forward to the process of dying. I know that there are folks who will be very sad when I’m gone. But ultimately, I know that death will be a victory. I know that when I leave this body, I will stand in the presence of God, full of praise and joy that will never end. If you don’t have that same knowledge, I would love to share it with you.

If only I had the time, the means, and that many friends (quiet sob), I would do something like this.

Human Space Invaders

The politicians will be warming up soon and we’ll be hearing all about what this country really needs. In that spirit, I present this week’s white board quip.

What this country really needs is someone who knows what this country really needs.

You saw the Jedi Squirrels. Now, a SYNS original (Honest! I made it myself!):

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America’s supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.

I was going to come up with something witty to say about this weeks White Board Quip, but I’ll do it later.

The best thing about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.