Yeah, I know. Call me a fool. I set goals for myself every year. Once in a while I meet a few of those goals. I guess that makes me a weakling and a fool. So be it.

This year, I have a goal to memorize a verse of the Bible every week. God’s word is a sword and every believer should keep is sword sharp and close at hand. I’ve created a page of the verses I intend to memorize this year and I welcome anyone to join me.

Clicky clicky.

Customer: I just arrived at my lake house for the summer, and the satellite TV isn’t working! Why is it off?!

Customer Service Rep.: Sir, please stay calm. It’s simple: we just need to reset your receiver since you’ve been away for a while.

C: How long will that take?

CSR: It’s easy, sir. Do you have a potato handy?

C: Um, let me see… (Pause) Yes, we just picked some up at the store on our way in — stocking up.

CSR: Great, sir. An apple would also work. Now, what I need you to do is to cut that potato in half. Then I need you place one half of the potato face-down on top of your receiver. Please make sure it’s dry.

C: What?

CSR: Trust me, sir, I’m a professional. We’ll have your service back on in no time.

C: Okay… (Long Pause) Alright, done. Now what?

CSR: Great, sir. The potato will act upon your receiver’s magnetic field and will bring the service back online momentarily. It’s a built-in security feature so that no one can use your dish while you’re away for most of the year.

CSR sends a reset request, satellite transmits ‘wake up’ signal to inactive receiver, TV comes on.

C: That’s amazing! Who’d have thought… a potato! Will this work every time?

CSR: Just give us a call if you have any problems in the future, and thank you for using this service.

(Rudely ripped from Overheard in the Office.)

The holidays are almost over and like most of 2006, for me, it has gone by in a blur. This year certainly had its ups and downs. But I figure they all even out pretty well, making this year “ok” on the official super secret year ranking system.

Now, to get us all ready for 2007, I offer you the final WBQotW for 2006. Be safe and God bless you all.

He who breaks a resolution is a weakling;
He who makes one is a fool.

As I said in my previous movie review, comic-book-based movies expose the chink in my geek facade. Constantine, like Hellboy, made me wish I had more comic-book exposure in my youth. Although, to be fair, you’d probably get a black eye if you stood in a comic book shop and referred to this as a “comic book”. There’s nothing comic about “Hellblazer”, the graphic novel on which Constantine is based. It’s a graphic novel, see, and that’s what you call comic books that are written for people who want to feel grown up even though they are still reading comic books. Graphic novels are graphic and are not for kids. (See also: Sin City.)

As with most movies in this genre, Constantine has raised the ire of Hellblazer fans. The reviews on imdb are scathing. But if you’ve never heard of Hellblazer, then you have no idea what kind of a man John Constantine is supposed to be and thus no reason to hate Keanu Reeves for not being it. (It’s pretty easy to hate Keanu Reeves for not being a real actor, but that’s neither here nor there. He hasn’t played a believable character since Bill and Ted.)

Constantine is dark. Very dark. Bleak. It’s as far from a feel-good movie as you can get. Yet, it’s still a great movie. There’s enough mystery to keep you thinking. The special effects are off the chart. And the theme of the movie is truly thought provoking.

That’s not to say it’s without faults. The writing and plot could have been better and… well… then there’s Keanu. The rest of the cast does a good job, making his performance that much more flat.

The thing that sold me the most on this movie was the theme. Being a Christian, it’s good to be reminded that demons and angels are real and they are here, all around us, fighting a war… THE war …and that just because we can’t see them, doesn’t make us any less involved. We are the battle ground upon which the war if fought. If you’re looking for sound doctrine and Biblical correctness, you’ll have to look somewhere other than Hollywood, but if you already know the doctrine (and can excuse a movie for not getting it quite right), I strongly recommend this movie to get you back into the warrior’s frame of mind.

Constantine was good enough that I was able to see past what was wrong with it and enjoy the story. And the story was good enough to remind me that my faith is not just a badge or a label. It’s what I am. And besides all that, it made me actually want to read the graphic novel, which in itself is worth four grins.

I have come to realize that, as much as I love being a geek, I’m not a very good one. I’m consistently two years behind the latest geek hardware. I’ve never actually read any graphic novels or fantasy fiction (outside of Tolkien). I never actually played Dungeons & Dragons. Thus I am at a disadvantage when I join ranks with geeks of more pure lineage. This becomes especially apparent around comic-book-based movies.

I’ve heard lots of chatter about how, even though all three X-Men movies were extremely entertaining, they offended many comic book purists. I loved Hellboy, but I wasn’t even sure it was based on a comic until I watched the DVD extras.

With that said, I would guess that fans of the F4 comic books would hate this movie. It contains much more Hollywood cliche that I expected. While I admit, I’ve never even seen a real F4 comic book, I can’t imagine that any main-stream comic would be as campy. The script spends a lot of time (and by “a lot”, I mean 3/4 of the movie) trying to flesh out the characters. A better writer could have fully developed the characters in five minutes. Instead, we get fifty.

Other parts of the script left me honestly puzzled. In any comic book flick, one must be willing to step a bit outside of reality, but Fantastic 4 goes a step beyond and asks you to step outside of common sense. Example: To get past a police blockade, Sue (the invisible girl) has to take off her clothes and sneak by. This sets up a predictable gag, but after the gag is had, we find the whole team inside the police blockade. Umm… Exactly how did her being invisible (and naked) get the other guys in? There too many similar plot holes to list here, but you get the idea.

The effects were top-notch. Unfortunately, 90% of the effects shots were in the trailer, so rather than thinking, “Ooh! That was cool,” I thought, “Oh, I remember that from the commercials.”

In the end, F4 felt more like a poorly done sci-fi movie, than a well done comic book movie. Maybe it’s because the bar has been set so high in this genre, but that doesn’t change the fact that this movie came up a little short. I didn’t hate it, but if I’d paid $8 to see it, I might have. I give it two grins.

Last Christmas, the world was traumatized by the hemorrhaging falsetto of this stirring rendition of “Oh Holy Night”.

In the tradition of annual one-up-manship, this year “Oh Holy Night” comes to you in un-living color, animated by Eric Maziade, creator of “Zombies”.

Behold and “Faaaaaall on yer kneeeeeeeez”. (Requires Flash)

(Pined from the Sneeze)

Since I haven’t been blogging regularly since about August, I’ve seen a lot of movies that have not been properly reviewed. I probably won’t have the time to do so, or, by the time I do have a chance, I will not remember enough about them to give honest reviews. So here’s a movie review brief.
The Ladykillers – Tom Hanks leads a small band of criminals in a bank heist by conning an old woman who lives near the bank. Weird, quirky, darker than you’d think. Hanks does a pretty good job of playing a slimy bad guy. 2 grins

Being John Malkovich – John Cusack plays a frustrated puppeteer who gets a dull clerical job in an office with four-foot high ceilings. He finds a mysterious opening behind a file cabinet that leads into actor John Malkovich’s brain. It’s even weirder than it sounds. Still, I like weird, so I enjoyed this one. 2 grins

Seven Years in Tibet – Brad Pit plays a self-absorbed Austrian mountaineer, caught in the Himilayas at the outbreak of World War II. He escapes a British prison camp and stumbles into a forbidden Tibetan city, the home of the Dalai Lama. The story is well written and well acted. If you can stomach a heavy dose of Hollywood pacifism, it’s a good movie. P.S. Brad Pit can’t do accents. 3 grins

The Sixth Sense – M. Night Shyamalan’s creep show about a boy who sees dead people. I’d seen the last half of this show on cable, so knowing the surprise ending made the first half more interesting. Otherwise, it’d be a really slow, boring movie. 2 grins

Bewitched – Very clever story is not a remake of the TV series. Instead it’s a movie about the making of a remake of the TV series. Nicole Kidman is brilliant as Isabel, cast to play Samantha and Will Ferrell is equally brilliant as the Hollywood narcissist Jack, cast to play Darrin. Great, fun movie. 4 grins

Brothers Grimm – A good, scary, well acted fairy tale. Two brothers who make a living as Elizabethan era ghost busters slash con men find themselves caught up in a real live ghost story with a real live wicked witch. 3 grins

Hotel Rwanda – I watched this one on my computer while working in the wee hours, pausing it to write code, and watching it during builds. Don Cheadle plays a prim and proper manager of a five star hotel in Rwanda during the Tutsi/Hutu “ethnic clensing”. Cheadle plays the character brilliantly as he struggles to cling to normalcy but ends up housing refugees in his high-dollar hotel and bribing the authorities to keep the refugees alive. The fact that this is a true story makes it even more fascinating to watch. 3 grins

I’d nearly forgotten about my new poll feature! So, let me know how you really feel.

Let me be the first to wish you all a satisfactory non-denominational, capitalist, winter-time, gift-giving season.

Once again, there is a lot of hubbub over whether or not retailers use “Christmas” in their marketing. Last year the pendulum seemed to hit the far left and was pushed back to the right. “Holiday Trees”? Seriously, that’s just dumb. But a few Christian organizations continue to push this year. Is it really necessary?

You guys know that I’m pretty far out on the “Religious Right” end of spectrum, but I like to think that I can still use my head and be reasonable. I’m on the mailing list of the American Family Association. They’re about as for right as you can get and sometimes, they go farther than I am willing to follow. Today the AFA invited me to vote in a poll, “Would you be willing to boycott stores which refuse to allow the word “Christmas” to be displayed?” I voted “No.”

I am willing to boycott companies, but there has to be a very solid reason and I need to see evidence from more than one source. I prefer to avoid Wal-Mart because I believe that their business practices are damaging to the economy and empowering China. I will not buy any Ford products because Ford is currently spending millions to further the homosexual agenda. (Yes, I own a Ford that I bought used, ten years ago. But Ford makes no money off of me. I buy after-market parts and never go to a Ford mechanic.)

But what about “Holiday” retailers? Well, honestly, this is the holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are all part of the holiday shopping season. Yes, most of our money goes toward Christmas gifts, but what about Hanukah (or Hanukkah, or Chanukah, or Ckhanukhkhahh or how ever you spell it.) It’s a valid, gift-giving, religious holiday. What about Ramadan? What about the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe? What about Eat A Red Apple Day or Ice Cream and Violins Day or National Chocolate Covered Anything Day? (Seriously.)

I’m not trying to belittle Christmas. But if a corporation does not market itself as a Christian organization, then why would you expect it to single out a Christian holiday?

Some would say that these companies make a fortune off of Christmas gift sales. True. And if you don’t like that, then quit spending so much on Christmas gifts! Tell your kids they’re not getting Molest-Me Elmo or the Nintendo PeePee for Christmas. Instead they’re going to spend Christmas serving food at a homeless shelter or playing dominos at a nursing home. That’ll show those anti-Christmas, capitalist jerks.

As for me, I love Christmas and I enjoy being a capitalist. But I’m still not buying a Nintendo PeePee.

My long time readers know that I was a huge Doctor Demento fan. In fact, while I was a member of a Christian drama troop in college, I adapted several songs and sketches from the Dr. D show for the stage. Here is one of our most popular sketches, reanimated using flash. (I played the part of the weird green guy.)

Clicky clicky!