A mother lioness was caring for her two cubs. They had just come back from hunting and one was badly constipated but the other was fine. The mother asked the cubs what they had eaten. The health cub said, “A man reading a book,” and the sick one said, “A man sitting at a typewriter.”

“Well no wonder!” said the lioness. “Everyone knows readers digest, but writers block!”

A thief broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. He’ll probably get away with because the police have nothing to go on.

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Help me! I’m shrinking!

Doctor: Calm down and go back to the waiting room! You’ll just have to be a little patient.

Q1: Where was Noah when the lights when out?

A1: In d’ark.

Q2: What did Noah say after he got all the animals on the ark?

A2: “Now I herd everything.”

Q3: Where did Noah keep the bees?

A4: In the ark-hives.

Q4: Why couldn’t anyone play poker on the ark?

A4: Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Q5: Once they got the poker game started, which animal would they not let play?

A5: The cheetah.

A while back, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died and they had a heck of a time getting him into the casket. They’d but his left left in… well, you know the rest.

If you live in Texas, you should be aware of these changes to Texas laws effective today, September 1st, 2011.

“Sexting” by a minor is now a crime.

If a minor is caught with sexually explicit messages or images on their cell phone, they could end up in juvi! You hear that, chi’ren? Not only is Uncle Trint gonna kick your butt for that garbage, you’re going to the clink!!

Nighttime speed limits are out.

State-wide, speed limits are now always the same. No more 70 daytime, 65 nighttime. No more getting tickets at dusk because you and the trooper disagree on what constitutes “night.” YAAAAY!

Castle Laws now apply to boats and employer owned parking lots!

Last year, Texas extended the Castle Law to vehicles. If you can legally own a gun, you can keep it concealed in your car. That now also applies to “watercraft.”

Problem last year was, employers (*cough* like mine) could still declare their parking lots as “gun free” and fire you for having a gun in your car, which effectively made it impossible for those employees to carry during their work week.

Starting today, that line of your employee handbook is illegal. You can not be punished for having a legally concealed weapon in your car, even parked in your employer’s parking lot. (There are limitations, so check the law to be sure.)

Q: What word is shorter if you add two letters to it?

A: Short.