It was 2006. The internet was like a proverbial teenager, starting to realize its universe had no edge. Connections speeds were just fast and affordable enough to watch tiny, 400 pixel wide videos. Just enough pixels for an odd, neurotic fellow with unsynced pupils to enthrall a generation. Before YouTube, before the Vlog Brothers and Wheezy Waiter, there was Ze Frank.

But… who cares, really.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. – Ze Frank

Although… Ze did eventually set up a YouTube channel with selected episodes and there is a KickStarter that may bring Ze’s show back. Or it may just tease us, like Firefly April Fool’s jokes that no one laughs at.

You guys know how I feel about my smart phone, right? RIGHT? Well, during my commute today, I was thinking over the busy week ahead. I thought about that one guy who is supposed to call me about that one thing. And I reflexively put my left hand on my left thigh, where my smart phone can be felt in my left pocket.* But, I didn’t feel it. Then, mild panic. I LEFT MY PHONE AT HOME!!

I commonly refer to my smart phone as “my brain.” It is my calendar, my calculator, my watch, my alarm clock, and the phone to which important phone calls and text messages are directed. It contains my “ToDo” lists (yes, several), pictures of things to help me remember stuff (like the model number of the Vans shoes I was going to search on eBay), and other information that I may need, but don’t trust to my actual, warm, squishy brain.

So, today, I am brainless. Thus, this week’s white board quip:

I can not brain. I haz teh dumb. – LOLCAT

* Because when we’re driving, our phone is put away! Right, chi’ren?! RIGHT?!

So, this 14-year-old girl in Florida met a cute guy on Facebook. They lived in the same neighborhood. Without telling anyone, she met up with him at a local gas station.

The “guy” was a 44-year-old sex trafficker. In the short time she was with him, he raped her, then brought her to a hotel to “sell” her body for $200.

Thank God, her first “customer” was an undercover cop. She was freed and the man arrested BEFORE her parents even knew she was missing!

Please please please, chi’ren. Don’t be stupid. It can kill you. (Or worse.)

Read the full news article here: Florida police save 14-year-old girl from sex trafficking

Wow! I can’t believe it’s been over three years since my last movie review! I used to do these all the time! And I can’t even count how many movies I’ve seen in that time span.

So, why now? Why this one? I guess it’s because I get so irritated when Hollywood hypes up a movie, piles it with awards, and then it turns out to be so underwhelming. I felt the same way about Avatar (a.k.a. Dances with Smurfs).

Now, on to the review.

Forget everything you’ve heard. Gravity is a disaster movie. And as disaster movies go, Gravity is pretty good. Just be sure to turn your “suspension of disbelief” up to 11 and your “I took two years a physic in college” down to zero. (As you should with any movie in this genre.)

There is one glaring problem though. Most disaster movies start out with an ensemble cast of five or more big names so there are enough to kill off and still keep the suspense going. Gravity has a total cast of two. After these two survive the first big event, there’s not much left for the “will they make it” suspense.

It is a thrill ride, to be sure. The action keeps on coming. But if you’re looking for anything Oscar worthy, don’t bother. The visual effects were really well executed, but in this CGI drenched world, that’s not enough to make a movie great.

Now, disaster movies never rely on a good script, so it should be no surprise that this one was likely no more than three pages long. Several of the major plot points go beyond “contrived” and end up at “kinda dumb.” The character development is thinner than the atmosphere outside their space suits. And that’s kind of surprising given the cast. Bullock and Clooney have the chops to handle more complex roles. Here they are reduced to her hyperventilating and him … well … smiling. What a waste.

Ultimately, this is a solid 3 grin, popcorn flick. If you’ve got a really good media room, like I do, turn off the lights, crank up the base and enjoy the ride. If not, you will probably be disappointed.

You can file this week’s white board quip under, “stuff parents do that humiliate their kids.” Also, “first world embarrassments.”

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.

Case in point:

[Image shamelessly stolen from imgur]

Happy Monday! Let’s start with a piping hot White Board Quip, shall we?

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then be Batman.

And on that note:

I don’t have time today to really explain “cosplay” to my few regular readers who don’t know what it is. So, Dad, it’s like Halloween for Geeks but without the candy.

I’ve seen enough Batmen (?) and Batman related cosplayers that nothing much garners a second look anymore. But this guy… This guy’s got chops. This idea is so good, I would totally try this. That is, if I had the time, money, and commitment to go to Comicon in costume. So, 1 out of 3 means it won’t happen. But still! Awesome.

On a side note, this image was posted on Pleated-Jeans.com, which does, at least, provide links to where they found the image (better than most aggregate pic sites). But the link in this case was to a Tumblr feed, and Tumblr as you (should) know, is the wild wild west of uncredited pic sharing and creativity theft. I wish there was some way I could give credit to the original dude under that cowl. But I guess that’s all the more Batman-ish. He’s not the clever cosplayer this city wants, but is the clever cosplayer this city needs!

It’s that time again! Well, I suppose it’s actually past that time… oh dear.

J.R.R. Tolkien, author of “The Lord of the Rings,” wrote this passage in 1953.

Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

3 – 7 – 9 – 1

He died in 1973.

1 – 9 – 7 – 3