Let’s call this a “toofer”. The title qualifies as a Conversation Enhancement, as it is an opprobrious epithet for French people. Oooh… There’s another Conversation Enhancement! (Opprobrious epithet means rude put-down. Does that make this a “threefer”?)

And now, on top of all that, I offer this week’s WBQotW.

For the next few weeks, I will be posting quotes from my wife’s favorite movie (and the one chick-flick I really get a kick out of), French Kiss. Kevin Kline, who is very American, plays the best creepy French guy I’ve ever seen on film. From this film alone, I learned how to do a great French accent. Here he questions the logic of Meg Ryan’s character’s fear of flying. (Please read with your best creepy French guy voice.)

What do you think, the plane is going to crash and we are all on the ground in a thousand pieces dead? I promise you, if it happens, you won’t feel a thing.

This week’s WBQotW comes from a very odd source. The film version of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was released on DVD this weekend (much recommended). While doing some internet investigation, I came across the official web site of Douglas Adams, the creator of HHGttG. There are a few “rare” pieces of Adam’s work posted there, short stories and such. One of them is “The Private Live of Genghis Khan”, a rather coarse bit of literature that ends with an alien named Wowbagger brow-beating the great Khan with some unusual put-downs. One of them was so odd, I had to immortalize it on my white board.

You are a very tiny piece of turd. Thank you.

Once in a while, Dilbert hits a little too close to home. I refer to such situations as “It’d be funny if it weren’t so true.” WBQotW #38 is just such a quip.

Good ol’ Wally… He’s a combination of two archtypes, the anti-social engineer and the guy who puts a lot of effort into not doing any work. Now, my biggest personal weakness is that I’m not as hard a worker as I’d like to be. Okay, I’m lazy. I said it. I hope you’re happy. I don’t like to admit it because it’s not something I’m proud of. Once in a while, good ol’ Wally says something that makes me laugh for a second. Then I stop when I realize that I do that too. Then, it’s not so funny.

I used to read, but it’s faster to make stuff up.

*sigh* It’s true.

Once again, Dilbert provides a phrase perfectly tailored for the white board.

That’s a little trick I call “math”.

And as a bonus, here’s a good one:

Pick ANY number, but don’t tell me what you picked.

Now double it.

Now add 10.

Now subtract the original number.

Now subtract seven.

Now subtract the original number again.

And the answer is…

THREE!! Muhahahahaaaa! Bow before the awesome power of MATH!!

WBQotW #36 is one of those weird, random things that you hear working in a Geek environment. Specifically, this is what my friend and former co-worker Josh Mondragon blurts out from time to time when his computer “freaks out”.

Holy smokes! Where are my pants?!

Yeah, I’ve never been that drunk, but I know people who have.

Dilbert has been one of the most prolific contributors to the WBQotW. Here’s yet another, this time from the Point-Haired-Boss.

Don’t get all mathy on me.

WBQotW #34 is another tidbit of net lore. The ol’ sign poorly translated into English bit that has been going around the email junket for over a decade now.

Sign in a Japanese hotel room: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

I knew those Japanese were horn-dogs, but that’s just ridiculous! You can see many more examples of Japanese to English mis-translations at Engrish.com.

Nobody notices what I do, until I don’t do it.

WBQotW #33 makes me sad. Not because I feel the pain of this experience, but because I know so many people who do. They should try to be more like Wally and me. We do as little work as possible to avoid setting the precedent expectation of productivity. But if my boss is reading this, then rest assured the above statement was purely non-factual and only stated for the sake of humor. Oh, and please pay no attention to the time stamp of this post.

I am back! Look for a long personal update soon. In the mean time, enjoy this week’s white board quip.

If you blow in a dog’s face, he’ll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car, the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!

This week’s WBQotW is a little weird because I’m posting it on Friday. That’s because I’m going to be gone next week (and I was lazy and didn’t do one this week). It comes from another piece of old net lore that being a long list of signs in other countries which are poorly translated into English for the sake of the ignorant masses of mono-lingual English Speakers (of which I am a member, so shut up about it).

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

If that weren’t so true it’d be funny.

Read more such things here or there’s a whole site of them that are really enjoyable at Engrish.com.