Pleated-Jeans.com is one of those websites that’s like crack cocaine to my procrastination. You really really really should not click that link if you expect to get anything done today.

Speaking of which, it’s Monday and so it’s time for a fresh new White Board Quip of the Week. Normally, I pull a random quip from a database (yes, really) of quips that I have collected over time. But today’s quip jumped straight to the head of the queue. It’s from P-J’s post, “18 Facebook Statuses That Are Actually Worth Reading,” and it made me cubicle-snort (see explanation below).

I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.

*snork* … *wheeez* … Must… not… disturb… cubicle farm… with… laughter!!

A bit of simple wisdom from my youth.

What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.
– Super Mario

Of course, if I’d grown up with Sega and Sonic, it might say something about losing a pile of gold rings.

We are in the process of shuffling our toys. Buying and selling is an adventure with many pitfalls. Did you guys know that there are scammers on CraigsList? I know! Shocking, right?!

Where does he get those wonderful toys? – The Joker

I’m doing pretty good with my exercise regimen, but I’m not losing weight yet. Maybe it’s because of this week’s white board quip.

Exercise? Extra fries!

(And yes, it’s late. I know. Shut up.)

According to the local news, this week is when most folks give up on their new year’s resolutions. It’s supposed to be the favorite time of year for regular gym rats, because all the pasty, flabby, gross (you know, regular) people have finally quit sweating on the cardio machines and hogging the weights and the over-tanned, oily, GNC folks who go to the gym everyday because the want to (sickos) can get back to their regular routines.

Well, I’ve got bad news for the gym rats. Last week, I actually got back to the gym for the first time in a month. As I posted previously, I’ve been battling some sinus cooties that have sapped my energy. I’m back on the horse now** and, I can honestly say, it felt good to get back to the gym.

Of course by, “felt good,” I mean it was a mental boost. “Felt good” is not how I would describe the physical experience. That part really sucked, actually, because the time off and the illness has set me back a bit. But you know what they*** say, “No pain… yeah, no pain. I prefer that!”

Which brings us to WBQofW #256:

My favorite machine at the gym is the one that you put money in and food comes out.

* “Gloots” is what gym rats call their butt muscles. It’s short for “gluteus maximus.” You see it’s funny because the quip is about a vending machine which that makes you fat. Get it? No? Shut up, it’s funny.

** “Back on the horse” means I’m fully recovered and doing normal things. It comes from the ranch where, when you get sick or injured (especially from falling off a horse), your primary goal is to get well so you can ride again. I’m sorry if you’re too citified to understand that.

*** “They” usually refers to the anonymous masses of a culture norm. In this case, “they” refers to me, because unlike the “they” who says stupid things like, “pain is weakness leaving the body,” I say “pain is your body telling you, ‘Hey! Cut that crap out!! It hurts!!'”

It’s Monday! Time for another White Board Quip!

Jim picking his nose didn’t hurt anyone.

(From the Real Live Preacher blog. May it rest in peace.)

So, I went to the doctor yesterday. I know. Can you believe it? I got a steroid shot and some prescription cough syrup and a bottle of horse-pill-sized antibiotics… which I am avoiding.

See, I have this thing about antibiotics. No, I’m not one of those raw milk, organic fruit, sugar free, “vaccines are from the devil” wackos. (Although, I am very suspicious of flu shots.)

I just know that colds and flus are viral and antibiotics are only affective against bacteria. It’s plain science. And there’s this teeny tiny running feud between my wife and I on the subject. But this time, I may have to waive the white flag and pop some pills… no matter how horse-sized they are.

I’m not a sickly person, never have been. I generally play host to a virus once a year. Maybe twice. And those usually drag on for a week or so before my own quite capable immune system wins out. But since Christmas (two months ago) I’ve had three distinct colds. Three!! That does not happen.

And so, perhaps, just this once, my immune system needs a bit of help. And perhaps… well, no. I’m pretty sure actually, that I’ve got bacteria benefiting from the chaos in my body. Ears that need to pop but won’t. A ragged cough. Bleh.

I “worked from home” on Monday, in quotes because more than a little of it I was asleep. Last night I discovered that the fancy cough syrup works great but keeps me wide awake… all… night… long. Today, I slept from 5 AM to 10 AM and when I finally logged in to work, I found I was not late because the office was closed. Apparently, there was an ice storm. Not at my house, but hey, whatev’s. I still put in about 5 hours of actual work.

And now, as I watch Tuesday tick away towards Wednesday, I realize I have not posted a White Board Quip of the Week! GASP!! I almost broke the chain! (I’ll tell you more about that soon, probably.) So, here, barely, is this week’s quip:

What disease did cured ham actually have?

And now, I’d better stop typing because I can feel the Nyquil sttarrtinnnnn too kik innnn… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

This week’s white board quip hits close to home.

Remember a few weeks ago when I posted about my old man grumpy problem? Well, we’ve come up with a solution. “Trint’s Grumpy Jar.” Yep. Every time Tammy catches me being overly grumpy, I have to put a dollar coin in the Grumpy Jar. And it seems to be working. After a month, there’s only $2 in there.

The flip side is that there is another jar: “Tammy’s Worry Jar.” (And it has more than $2 in it!)

Worry can be crippling and it is unquestionably an epidemic. As a nation, we have lost the concept of faith in God. “God’s in control.” “God can handle this.” “God is bigger than the boogie man.*”

Worry (and it’s related physical stress) have a terrible effect on your life. It can ruin your mood. It can strain relationships. It can actually kill you. (So now, you have that to worry about! You’re welcome.)

So this week’s white board quip is dedicated to Tammy and her jar. Don’t worry. Be happy.

But if I go to bed, who’s gonna worry about everything?

This week’s white board quip is in recognition of my wife’s new job. She started this morning. Short text messages, sent on the sly, have been coming in all morning. Things like, “Perk! Deli *in* the building!”

I think she’s happy.

Imagine the amount of self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

I couldn’t do it. No way.

And, no. Tammy does not work in a bubble wrap factory.

First, this week’s white board quip:

The wages of sin are death, and the benefits package sucks too!

Ha ha! Get it? Because… like… a job. Haa… yep. Moving on.

My wonder wife, Tammy, finds herself in an uncomfortable position today. After 10 years working in the same building (off and on… it’s complicated), last week she found that building locked and dark. That place is done. Stick a fork in it. Shut down. Closed up. Space for rent.

I can’t imagine going to an interview for the first time in 10 years. The nerves mixed with excitement. The concern at watching the time stretch between the last paycheck and the first. The huge, dark, yawning chasm that is “the unknown!”

Thankfully, I still have an awesome job. (Best employer EVER! And I’m not just saying that in case my boss reads this. Oooh. Does my boss read this blog?! Yikes.) Financially, we’re going to be ok. And, thankfully, Tammy is awesome. She had her resume warmed up and sailing across the internet within hours. In fact, she has an interview today!

But beyond a comfortable savings account and good work ethic, the best thing we have is our faith in God. The coolest thing about real, true, tested faith is that you find comfort in that huge, dark, yawning chasm. Yes, it’s unknown, but unknown isn’t bad. In fact, it’s kind of exciting.

Tammy and I have ridden out some pretty tough “adventures” in our 14.5 years and that’s not to mention those that we each had in our own lives before that. And, for each one there came a day (usually MUCH after the fact) when I would suddenly see, with perfect hind-sight, how God took all those broken pieces, swirling in a cloud of apparent chaos, and put each piece exactly where it needed to be. And every time that day comes, I’m blown away.

I don’t look into the dark unknown with fear. I smile, looking forward to the day when I get to look back on it and see the perfect plan that God had all along.

Now THAT is a great benefits package!!