Steve over at The Sneeze has hosted a very interesting discussion on responses to trite greetings, such as “What’s up?”

This got me thinking. There are so many strange phrases that the English speaking world uses to welcome acquaintances. Why is that? Do other cultures have this odd practice? Are there French equivalents to these greetings?

“What’s up?”
“How are you?”
“Kay-Pasa?”
“What’s going down?”
“How’s it hangin’?”

This line of thought quickly leads to the obvious question: Is Michael Jackson a victim of his environment or just plain loony? But that’s not what I’m going to talk about.

Instead, I would like to discuss the virtues of “clever” responses to these bizarre greetings.

My dad is the king of “clever” come-backs. (Notice I use quotes around clever. That’s because the real wittiness is up for debate.) For years growing up, I honestly believed that “Better than I deserve” was a common and valid response to “How are you doing?” It was not until I became a cynical teenager that I realized that my dad was pretty nerdy. Another of his favorite replies is “Terrible!”

How should one respond to “How are you?” Often, saying “Fine.” is a blatant lie. So, be honest. The truth shall set you free. In this case, it will set you free of shallow co-workers who ask questions they really don’t want the answer to.

“How are you, today?”
“Well, my toe nail fungus is getting better, but my socks still smell like a hobo’s boxer shorts.”

“How’s it going?”
“What? My diarrhea? Oh, it’s going alright.”

“What’s up?”
“My nipples! When are they going to fix the heater in the place?!”

Simply apply this honesty principle and see if you ever get asked such silly questions again! Then again, you’ll never be asked out on a date either, but hey, social interaction is over rated anyway, right?

There is another school of thought that assumes the best response to a pointless question is an equally pointless answer. I must admit I dabble in this method from time to time.

“How are you, today?”
“3.1415926535… should I go on?”

“How’s it going?”
“Indeed.”

“What’s up?”
“‘Up’ is an adjective, adverb, noun, verb and preposition depending on context. Let me know if you need any more linguistic advice.”

“Que pasa?”
“Ceñirse a Ingles, tonto gringo.”

“How’s it hangin’?”
“I would tell you, but it might make you nauseous.”

“What’s goin’ down?”
“Let’s keep our love lives to ourselves, okay?”

Ultimately, any “good” response will leave no doubt about the geek score of the responder.

The comment section is open for business. I fully expect this to my most commented post ever.