A wise man once said:

Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask how much you will be forced to pay (under threat of imprisonment) for the things your country does for other people… lazy people who don’t have enough money to pay taxes.

That might not be exactly what he said, but it’s a rough paraphrase. And, in case you’re wondering, that wise man was a Democrat.

This conversation enhancement came from a coworker responding to a run-of-the-mill “Donuts in the breakroom” email here at work.

sacrilicious \SAK-ri-LISH-eous\, adj.:
Pertaining to or describing something highly enjoyable and highly destructive.
“This chocolate-fudge-pudding-cocaine-crumble-cake is sacrilicious! Of course I want another piece!”

Full discloser: While this post was being written, I ate two donuts.

I try to be a nice guy to everyone. But some people think I’m a bit of a word snob. (Tammy would say I border on word jerk.) You can blame my mom. She’s one of those folks that reads “Enriching Your Word Power” every month in Reader’s Digest. Growing up, she constantly corrected my grammar and worked on my vocabulary. I’m glad. I like being able to speak well.

But there are down sides. Often I’m told that people are intimidated by me; that I make them “feel stupid”. I haven’t yet figured out a way to correct someone’s English without coming off as a know-it-all jerk. And I’m way too Monkish to just stand by and let someone speak incorrectly. I can usually let one faux pas slide, but repeated abuse just eats at me.

Another thing I can’t stand is bad English in print. I’m honest about the fact that I suck at spelling. I use dictionary.com all the time. (I just looked up faux pas, for example.) My grammar is usually spot on, so that’s not a worry, but I try avoid posting anything that’s incorrect. I feel like it makes me look stupid. Thus, I feel I must question the person who puts something like this on a professional web site.

“Firstly”?? What is that? Yes, it’s a real word, but not a good choice, and where’s the “secondly”? I know that I abuse ellipses, but this, along with the weird word choice was just too much. You’re trying to convince me to use your service. Hire a copy writer, dude. Seriously.

This is why I refuse to write copy for a web site. I’ll give you a cool layout and neat functionality, but you provide the words. I’m a programmer. Never trust a programmer to write good English. (Not even one whose mom taught him well.)

This little axiom came out of a conversation with my coworker, Dave, a few years ago.

YP ≠ MP

Dave has since turned it into a t-shirt on CafePress (Of course, Dave’s shirt uses the C# operator !=).

What you see above is a very geeky, supremely concise way to say, “Just because something is your problem (YP) does not mean it is inherently my problem (MP).” Thus it is not unusual around our office to hear a conversation ended with the phrase, “That would be a YP.”

My buddy Dave sent me a link this morning to a blog post about the bizarre vernacular of programmers (and how it differs by region and “culture”). Truly, if the average Joe on the street walked into an intense programming discussion, he would be completely lost. Allow me an example.*

Code Geek #1: When I put the gooid in the earl I get a 500.

Code Geek #2: Are you stripping the curlies from the gooid?

Code Geek #1: Of course. Maybe there’s a hash, bang or carrot in my query string.

Code Geek #2: Shouldn’t matter, but a whack or tilde might break it if the yuri goes to an apache box.

Code Geek #1: Hey! How’d this back tick get in my string?

Code Geek #2: Oh, I pasted that copy from word into your code. There’s probably a smart quote in there too.

Code Geek #1: You touched my code? I must kill you now.

* Some pronunciation spelled out for clarity.

As you can see, we have some very strange vocabulary in the programming world. But with just a little explanation, it will all make sense. Just mouse over the underlined words and you’ll see to what the coders are referring.

If you read the post and its comments, you will see much more of the weird language of code geeks. I was most fascinated by the poem posted in the comments. Here, I’ve revised this poem using my own vocabulary. It is followed by its “English” translation.

\\!*''/
^@`$$-
*!'$_
%*#>4
&)../
{~|**SYSTEM HALTED

back-whack bang star tick tick slash
carat at back-tick dollar dollar dash
star bang tick dollar underscore
percent splat pound angle bracket four
amp right-paren dot dot slash
curly bracket tilde pipe star star crash

The original poem uses some language that I’ve not heard before. < and > are called “waka” (the sound Pac-Man makes). I refer to them as left and right angle brackets, but waka is sure a lot more fun.

Are any of my readers geek enough to contribute their own code-speak? Comments are welcome.

It’s been far too long since I last offered up a good conversation enhancement. Shame on me.

You know that I am all about verbing words that aren’t really verbs (like I just did there) and creating new words incorporating modern technology (aka geeking the language). Well, I ran across this one today that I have promptly added to my personal vernacular.

narcissurfing \NAR-sis-SURF-ing\, verb:
To google one’s self in order to ascertain one’s internet popularity or “net score”.

I’ve done it. Have you? Aww, c’mon. We know you have. Don’t lie.

I’m sure I’ve experienced this at work.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

BTW, Happy Anniversary, Angel!!

It’s time to resurrect the old Conversation Enhancements topic. Today’s word comes to us from dictionary.com.

digerati \dij-uh-RAH-tee\, plural noun:
Persons knowledgeable about computers and technology. Technological intelligencia.

So if digerati is plural, does that make me a digeratus or digeratum?

photoshop – (fó´tó – shôp) v. To digitally manipulate an image.

I’m one of those geeks that turn cultural trends into verbs. I was one of the first people I know to use “google” as a verb. In the same manner, I have been “photoshopping” images for years and preaching that you can not believe your eyes anymore.

A couple of days ago I posted my first submission on Worth1000. If you have any doubt about the power of digital editing, spend some time over at Worth. You’ll be amazed. (The tutorial about artificial aging is my favorite.)

Now, it’s all well and good to photoshop for silly online contests. It’s another thing entirely to create images for the media that create a story where none exists (also known as lying). This is what you see on all those spurious tabloid covers and it’s called photo-chopping.

photo-chop – (fó´tó – chôp) v. To digitally manipulate an image for malicious or duplicitous purposes.

This is certainly not a new practice among the media’s dirtier dogs, but with the latest technology it’s that much easier and thus that much more tempting for journalists to make news rather than report it. I strongly encourage you to read this article about the history of image tampering. It will open your eyes to some of the things you may have seen but should not have believed.

Let’s call this a “toofer”. The title qualifies as a Conversation Enhancement, as it is an opprobrious epithet for French people. Oooh… There’s another Conversation Enhancement! (Opprobrious epithet means rude put-down. Does that make this a “threefer”?)

And now, on top of all that, I offer this week’s WBQotW.

For the next few weeks, I will be posting quotes from my wife’s favorite movie (and the one chick-flick I really get a kick out of), French Kiss. Kevin Kline, who is very American, plays the best creepy French guy I’ve ever seen on film. From this film alone, I learned how to do a great French accent. Here he questions the logic of Meg Ryan’s character’s fear of flying. (Please read with your best creepy French guy voice.)

What do you think, the plane is going to crash and we are all on the ground in a thousand pieces dead? I promise you, if it happens, you won’t feel a thing.