When I updated my blog software a few days ago, I made a back-up of the database. In so doing, I found a database table that I had forgotten about. It contains a long list of “Conversation Enhancements”. I’ve posted a few of these linguistic paragons in the past, but I hope to do so more often.

Just as a reminder, I post these gems as a public service so that you might put them to use in your daily repartee. Think of them as the sprinkles upon the donut of your vocabulary; the gold glitter upon the finger-painting that is your communiqué; the whoopee cushions that… well, you get the idea.

He’s a vacuum in the universe of clue.

I have found that the more I work with youth, the more I find myself using more and more obscure references to “curse” words. (And apparently I use the word “more” more and more as well.) I caught this fine example in today’s Dilbert:

Monkey Hurlage

Niiiice.

Another great source for alternative expletives is the movie “Elf” (which I watched last night), especially if you check out the DVD extras and get to see all of Will Ferrell’s ad-libbing. (On a side note, I love “Elf” and give it four grins. I feel that this is Will Ferrell’s best (and cleanest) movie yet.)

File this under cruel and unusual.

“Me” is Steve from The Sneeze. “The Boy” is his four-year-old son. Talk about crushing the dreams of the future generation.

From The Sneeze:

The Boy: I want to be a hobo when I grow up!

Me: You don’t like beans.

The Boy: Oh yeah.

Steve over at The Sneeze has hosted a very interesting discussion on responses to trite greetings, such as “What’s up?”

This got me thinking. There are so many strange phrases that the English speaking world uses to welcome acquaintances. Why is that? Do other cultures have this odd practice? Are there French equivalents to these greetings?

“What’s up?”
“How are you?”
“Kay-Pasa?”
“What’s going down?”
“How’s it hangin’?”

This line of thought quickly leads to the obvious question: Is Michael Jackson a victim of his environment or just plain loony? But that’s not what I’m going to talk about.

Instead, I would like to discuss the virtues of “clever” responses to these bizarre greetings.

My dad is the king of “clever” come-backs. (Notice I use quotes around clever. That’s because the real wittiness is up for debate.) For years growing up, I honestly believed that “Better than I deserve” was a common and valid response to “How are you doing?” It was not until I became a cynical teenager that I realized that my dad was pretty nerdy. Another of his favorite replies is “Terrible!”

How should one respond to “How are you?” Often, saying “Fine.” is a blatant lie. So, be honest. The truth shall set you free. In this case, it will set you free of shallow co-workers who ask questions they really don’t want the answer to.

“How are you, today?”
“Well, my toe nail fungus is getting better, but my socks still smell like a hobo’s boxer shorts.”

“How’s it going?”
“What? My diarrhea? Oh, it’s going alright.”

“What’s up?”
“My nipples! When are they going to fix the heater in the place?!”

Simply apply this honesty principle and see if you ever get asked such silly questions again! Then again, you’ll never be asked out on a date either, but hey, social interaction is over rated anyway, right?

There is another school of thought that assumes the best response to a pointless question is an equally pointless answer. I must admit I dabble in this method from time to time.

“How are you, today?”
“3.1415926535… should I go on?”

“How’s it going?”
“Indeed.”

“What’s up?”
“‘Up’ is an adjective, adverb, noun, verb and preposition depending on context. Let me know if you need any more linguistic advice.”

“Que pasa?”
“Ceñirse a Ingles, tonto gringo.”

“How’s it hangin’?”
“I would tell you, but it might make you nauseous.”

“What’s goin’ down?”
“Let’s keep our love lives to ourselves, okay?”

Ultimately, any “good” response will leave no doubt about the geek score of the responder.

The comment section is open for business. I fully expect this to my most commented post ever.

How often do you dig through your old emails archives? I don’t do it enough, it would seem. I got rid of almost half of my old saved emails today, almost all of them pertained to past events or projects long dead and buried.

In the process I found a bunch of really great net jokes that I kept, but never forwarded on. (You can thank me later.) Still, they are funny. So instead of forcing jokes down your … inbox, I’ll post them here where you can ignore them so much easier.

…
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
…
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, saying, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
…

More to come later.

I regret that I can not remember exactly where I saw this word first used, but I fully intend to propagate it and do my part to see it added to the English lexicon. It was used in reference to the kinds of people who raise heck in internet discussions when, in fact, they are spouting non-facts and unnecessary controversy that could easily be avoided by spending three minutes studying the truth.

unbrained

Used in a sentence:
How is it that well into the 21st century, unbrained individuals still believe that forwarding an email message, especially one with so many misspellings and grammatical faux pas, will result in Bill Gates sending them money.

I’ve always wanted to be an inventor. One of the less obvious perks is that you not only get to invent new and wonderful things, you also get to invent new and wonderful words to describe those things.

Case in point: The Flybar

No! This is NOT just another pogo stick. It’s a “fully adjustable elastomeric spring system”.

Elastomeric…

Are you sure you can say that in public?

I’m going to start using that in ALL my conversations!!

Man! This Freebirds Monster Burrito is elastomeric!

Dude, your 80 horsepower Honda Civic with the coffee can exhaust and four foot aluminum wing is TOTALLY ELASTOMERIC!!

Check out the Flybar official web site (flash intensive). It looks pretty cool, although just watching the videos makes my knee ligaments pop.

From Despair.com:

There are no stupid questions,
But there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

This was the first ever Conversantion Enhancement concept, but it never made it to the site… Until now!

Dreaded Poo Coodies

Used in a sentence:
I always flush public toilets with my foot because of the dreaded poo coodies.

Courtecy of Randy-Pants, your Conversation Enhancement of the Day:

Uneat

Used in a sentence:
My wife threatened to uneat her dinner if I continued to talk about coughing a bit of potato out of my nose.

Oh yes, there is a real live story behind that.