Heaven help us! What has the world come to?

These two evil vixens, Taylor and Lindsey (such insidious names), were found guilty this week of scaring the wits out of a peaceful law abiding citizen of Durango, Colorado, with … cookies.

That’s right! Cookies! Those most frightening of all baked goods. Last July, “The T and L Club”, as they are referred to in ubber-villain circles, asked their parents if they could bake cookies for their neighbors after their chores were done, rather than go to a school dance where they might encounter “cursing and drinking”. A likely story!! With their parent’s consent, this terrible twosome baked batches of chocolate-chip and sugar cookies and packages them in small tins decorated with red and pink hearts! OH THE HUMANITY!!

But fear not, good citizens, because justice has been dealt. One of their victims had the nerve to bring them to justice. That’s right! Wantia Renea Young, 49, filed suit against the girls to pay for her medical bills, as well as pain and suffering, when she ended up in the hospital after suffering a “severe anxiety attack”. It seems that when the girls knocked on Mrs. Young’s door to drop of the cookies at 10:30 PM, she mistook them for the boogie man, or some other imaginary foe, and her heart just couldn’t take it.

She was awarded $900 to cover the cost of her E.R. visit, but was not paid for her pain nor her suffering. “The victory wasn’t sweet,” she said. But apparently the cookies were.

Wanita said that she believes that the girls should not have been running from door to door late at night. “Something bad could have happened to them.” Indeed. They could lose $900 to some… well… bad person.

If you’d like to call and thank Mrs. Young for protecting us all from the evil of sugary pastries, her home phone number is (970) 259-6130. (I luvs me some information super-highway.)

Read the complete article.

I read an ominous story this morning about a new STD called LGV (lymphogranuloma venereum). There have been almost 100 cases in Europe and just this week there were 6 cases confirmed in the US.

“LGV is a serious condition and its emergence in New York City reflects continuing high levels of unsafe sexual activity among men who have sex with men.”
…
LGV can cause serious illness, permanent disfigurement and fuel the spread of AIDS.

I don’t mean to sound “intolerant” (pfft) or anything, but I sure wish all these “men who have sex with men” would cut it out. The next time I hear someone say that homosexuality doesn’t hurt anyone, I think I’ll hit them in the mouth.

Here’s the complete article.

One of the cool things about my BlueHost account is the great tracking software they offer. I can use Webalizer to see all kinds of stats on my (several) web sites.

A get a real kick out of the “Seach Engine Search Strings” section. It shows me what folks typed into their search engine that resulted in a link to my site. Here are a few that I don’t quite understand.

big feet (I don’t think size 12 is so unusual.)

dave berry philadelphia dumb (I don’t think Dave Berry is dumb. I can’t speak for Philly.)

clip and pictures of bath scene with kidman and bright (Yyyyeah. I’m fresh out of those. Sorry.)

one arm bandit clip dukes of hazzard (Ah. The rednecks are ONLINE!)

five syllable names boys girls (Please don’t do that to your kid.)

rnc091604 (10-4, right back at ya, good buddy.)

arafat papa smurf (Believe it or not, I got a TON of hits from this.)

cartoon smirf information (I do NOT watch the Smurfs…. I swear!)

explosive and non complient children (Yeah, you really have to watch out for non-compliant, explosive children.)

(Edit: Updated links)This is wicked awesome. Check out these animated gifs about Crazy Boromir. If you read as slow as I do, you’ll have to watch them loop two or three times to get all the dialog.

Boromir’s Imaginary Phone

Boromir’s Ninja Wizard Plan

Boromir’s Catapult Plan

You know you’re a hopeless LOTR geek when stuff like this eats up 30 minutes of an otherwise productive day.

As I’ve mentioned before, driving while talking on a cell phone is BAD! Once again, it has been proven.

A University of Utah study confirms that driving while talking on a cell phone slows reflexes and leads to other detrimental driving habits.

Cell phone distraction causes 2,600 deaths and 330,000 injuries in the United States every year…
If you put a 20-year-old driver behind the wheel with a cell phone, their reaction times are the same as a 70-year-old driver who is not using a cell phone.

So not only does cell phone use lead to more accidents, the slowed driving style means slower traffic flow and increased traffic congestion.

So STOP IT!

I’ve heard of some big babies. Nine pounds, nine and a half, maybe even ten. You know, the kind of baby that makes you think “OW!”

Well, hold on to your jaw.

Francisca Ramos dos Santos of Salvador, Brazil is the proud mother of a bouncing baby boy, weighing… seriously, you need to be sitting down for this… 16.7 pounds! That’s closer to the average weight of a six month old. In case you were wondering, a hospital offical said, “Obviously the baby was born by Caesarean section.” THANK GOODNESS!!

Complete article.

It is truly a brave new world. Thank God for technology in the 21st century. After tens of thousands of years, mankind has finally “arrived”. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s true. Believe it or not, man has toilet trained elephants!

Toilet trained elephants?!

Yep. They’re even talking about turning the properly pottying pachyderms into a tourist attraction. And you thought your job sucked. Can you imagine how much Charmin an elephant uses? Gives a whole new meaning to “jumbo roll”.

Read the complete article here.

Ripped (or should I say wiped) from Randypants.

I keep no secrets when it comes to my opinion of “big media” in the U.S. I cheered when Dan Rather was disgraced for finally getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar. It only took 25 years to catch him, but at least he’s caught.

I am a strong supporter of what has come to be known as the Couric Expeditionary Force. That is where we take Katie Couric, Dan Rather, and a handfull of other fat-headed, cowardly, elitist, media liars; put M-16s in their hands and American flag on their backs and drop them from a blackhawk deep in the Sudan.

With that in mind, let me share with you an article written by a “boots on the ground” commander in Iraq. “LTC Tim Ryan is Commander, Task Force 2-12 Cavalry, First Cavalry Division in Iraq. He led troops into battle in Fallujah late last year and is now involved in security operations for the upcoming elections. He wrote the following during “down time” after the Fallujah operation.”

The complete article is on WordTribune.com.

Here are a couple of excepts:

“All right, I’ve had enough. I am tired of reading distorted and grossly exaggerated stories from major news organizations about the “failures” in the war in Iraq.”

“Through their incomplete, uninformed and unbalanced reporting, many members of the media covering the war in Iraq are aiding and abetting the enemy.”

“What if domestic news outlets continually fed American readers headlines like: “Bloody Week on U.S. Highways: Some 700 Killed,” or “More Than 900 Americans Die Weekly from Obesity-Related Diseases”? Both of these headlines might be true statistically, but do they really represent accurate pictures of the situations?”

“Earlier this year, the Iraqi government banned Al Jazeera from the country for its inaccurate reporting. Wonder where they get their information now? Well, if you go to the Internet, you’ll find a web link from the Al Jazeera home page to CNN’s home page. Very interesting.”

“What about the thousands of things that go right every day and are never reported? Complete a multi-million-dollar sewer project and no one wants to cover it, but let one car bomb go off and it makes headlines. With each headline, the enemy scores another point and the good-guys lose one. This method of scoring slowly is eroding domestic and international support while fueling the enemy’s cause.”

“Much worse are the “talking heads” who sit in studios or offices back home and pontificate about how badly things are going when they never have been to Iraq and only occasionally leave Manhattan.”

“I find it amazing that some people are more apt to listen to a movie star’s or rock singer’s view on how we should prosecute world affairs than to someone whose profession it is to know how these things should go. I play the guitar, but Bruce Springsteen doesn’t listen to me play. Why should I be subjected to his views on the validity of the war?”

“Ironically, the press freedom that we have brought to this part of the world is providing support for the enemy we fight.”

Yep. I’m sorry to say, I’ve given in and fallen for one of the web’s most ancient evils… the Meme list.

CD I have in my car that I roll up the windows to listen to
It’s actually a cassette tape of my favorite Doctor Demento songs.

Book I read flat so no one could see the title
PVP The Dork Ages

Crappiest song ever sung at karaoke
Yellow Submarine

Bad movie I watch repeatedly
Bubble Boy. Seriously, though, I still think this movie SHOULD BE a cult classic. But it’s not… *pout*

Article of clothing I love though I know it’s wrong
Any number of t-shirts that Tammy won’t let out of the house. Particularly one with a line drawn face picking its nose with the caption, “WHO CARES?”

What I order at the bar when no one is listening
As if I ever go to bars. But when I do it’s usually water with lime.

Fast food item I adore
Chipotle!!!!

A TV show that is a good example of the downfall of civilization that I love anyway
King of the Hill. I swear I grew up with some of those people. I AM related to Bobby Hill. Just with a slightly different name.

This came down the pipe from Mouse Words, to Rox Populi, to A Small Victory, to Apropos of Something, to me.

I’ve always wanted to be an inventor. One of the less obvious perks is that you not only get to invent new and wonderful things, you also get to invent new and wonderful words to describe those things.

Case in point: The Flybar

No! This is NOT just another pogo stick. It’s a “fully adjustable elastomeric spring system”.

Elastomeric…

Are you sure you can say that in public?

I’m going to start using that in ALL my conversations!!

Man! This Freebirds Monster Burrito is elastomeric!

Dude, your 80 horsepower Honda Civic with the coffee can exhaust and four foot aluminum wing is TOTALLY ELASTOMERIC!!

Check out the Flybar official web site (flash intensive). It looks pretty cool, although just watching the videos makes my knee ligaments pop.