Okay. Maybe I’m just being neurotic. Maybe I’m obsessing. Maybe I’m beating a dead horse. (You don’t HAVE to agree with me.) Today, I found yet another article on driving while using a cell phone. Yes, I’ve posted about this before.

U of Utah published one of the first studies I read on the subject. They just finished a new study in which 40 drivers, both male and female, were put in a driving simulator. They drove normally. Then, they drove while talking on a cell phone. Finally, they drove while legally drunk (0.08 b.a.c.). The results will probably surprise you.

While intoxicated, the drivers followed too close, hit the breaks too hard (which in real-life would get them rear-ended) and had a bunch of “close calls”, but no accidents.

While talking on the phone (with or without “hands free” devices), they drove erratically, not keeping a consistent speed or following distance, and their reaction times where much slower. The phoning drivers had three accidents.

Yes, you got that right. The phoning drivers had more accidents than the drunk drivers. We all know that driving drunk is dangerous and, in the real world, does cause accidents, but talking on the cell phone is quite possibly more dangerous than driving drunk.

Cell phone makers continue to cry foul, insisting that other distracting activities are worse than phone driving. Specifically, they point out that putting on make-up (farding), and reading are statistically more dangerous. Well, DUH. But according to the NHTSA, about 10% of the drivers on the road, at any given time, are on the phone. I’m confident that far fewer folks are taking in War and Peace on the highway. And don’t get me started on farding in the car. That’s probably the only thing that aggravates me worse that cell phones behind the wheel.

It’s not real often I get serious (No, I mean it this time.) but I read a story this morning that just hits a little to close to home.

You probably know that Tammy and I work with the youth at our church. We both spend a lot of time on Xanga and MySpace keeping up with the kids’ lives and doing our best to look out for them. 99% of the time, it’s all good fun as we leave each other silly and encouraging comments. But once in a while, we have to sit the kids down and remind them that we live in a scary world. (I won’t name names, but you girls know what I’m talking about.)

Now, all you kids, I want you to read this and please try to let it sink in for more than 20 seconds. We love you all and want you to be safe. (Bracketed text added for clarity).

[Mr. Wonderful] contacted the [14 year-old] girl through her MySpace Web site in April, telling her that he was a high school senior who played on the football team.

In May, after a series of e-mails and phone calls, he picked her up at school, took her out to eat and to a movie, then drove her to an apartment complex parking lot in South Austin, where he sexually assaulted her, police said.

This particular Mr. Wonderful was actually 19, but even if he had been 17 or 18 or 35, what difference would that have made? What the heck was a 14-year-old doing talking to, much less meeting, a stranger that she met on MySpace. Judging by the fact that he picked her up from school, I’m guessing that she hid the whole thing from her mom until it was too late. Sound familiar?!

Two other similar MySpace rapes have happened just in the last year or so:

• Connecticut – 27-year-old man raped a 13-year-old girl.
• Wisconsin – 22-year-old man abducted a 14-year-old girl and raped her six times.

The article concerns a lawsuit filed against MySpace by the girl and her mom. The sad thing is that blaming MySpace for what happened is like blaming Ford when you get drunk and slam your car into a tree. It’s the old “Guns don’t kill people” argument and it’s just as true about the internet as it is about guns. It is your responsibility to make sure you (or your kids) are safe.

It breaks my heart that our young kids have to make such mature decisions, but if they don’t make grown-up choices, they may face very serious (more than just grown-up) consequences.

I have posted about the danger of talking and driving a couple of times. But just to set the record straight, here’s the research.

University of Utah study: Cell phone distraction causes 2,600 deaths and 330,000 injuries in the United States every year. A 20-year-old driver with a cell phone has the same reaction times as a 70-year-old driver who is not using a cell phone.

University of Toronto study: Drivers talking on cell phones are four times more likely to cause an accident than non-phoning drivers. The study also found that “hands free” devices do not have any added benefit.

Insurance Institute for Highway Safety study (conducted in Australia): People using a cell phone were four times as likely to get into an injury accident, regardless of whether they were using a hand-held or hands-free device.

So, multiple studies across the globe with nearly identical results. Talking and driving makes you four times more likely to be in a wreck, which is roughly the same statistic for drivers with a 0.8 blood alcohol level. Yes, people. No matter how safe you think you are, when you’re on your phone, you are equivalent to a drunk driver. (See even more related studies here.)

Finally, some local governments are doing something about it. Lawrence, Kansas is looking into a city ordinance to ban all cell phone driving, hands-free or otherwise. Obviously there are enforcement issues, but at least they’re doing something. In Lawrence, if you are in a wreck and the city can prove you were on your cell phone, expect to receive an additional $120 ticket for inattentive driving along with a $100 fine for violating the ban.

New York became the first state to ban cell phone use by drivers four years ago and several states have followed suit, but all still allow hands-free devices. Thus the Lawrence ban would be the strictest ban so far.

If you talk and drive, (Do I have to say it again? Apparently so.) STOP IT!!

This is so wrong. Wronger than wrong. Wrongest! Eww! Icky-poo yucky-ville.

MARSEILLES, France — Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux, calling himself “The Prince of Pleasure”, spent weeks chatting with a sensual woman on the Internet, going by the name “Sweet Juliette”. The two were genuinely falling for each other.

“The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times. But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don’t see in many girls. She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic,” the chat room Casanova said.

She even sent him a picture: a super hot, barely clothed model that just happened to be featured in a men’s magazine.

He finally got up the courage to arrange a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach.

“I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams. And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she’d said she would. But when I got close, she turned around — and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn’t know what to say. All I could think was, ‘Oh my God! it’s Mama!'”

That’s right. This playboy hooked is own mom! But it got worse. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark. And, since police reports are a matter of public record, a local TV station got hold of it.

“The next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o’clock news. People started pointing and laughing at us on the street — and they haven’t stopped laughing since,” said mom Nicole.

And what about Dad? Paul, Nicole’s husband of 27 years, wasn’t too happy when the story hit the news and his beer-drinking buddies made him the butt of their jokes.

“Dad was ticked for a while and he forbid Mom to talk to anybody on the Internet ever again,” said embarrassed Daniel.

*Groan* Why, oh why, do people think that chat room romances are a good thing?!

First, let me say that I am strongly in favor of the death penalty. It has nothing to do with deterring future crime. It has nothing to do with hate or vengeance. It has everything to do with the fact that a dead rapist will never rape again.

BUT in the case of a radical Islamic militant, a life sentence is a VICTORY for the prosecution. You have to understand that not everyone in the world views life the way we do. (Yeah, I know. Stop the presses.) For an Islamic militant, death equals martyrdom which equals heaven. Sentencing Zacarias Moussaoui to death would have been giving him exactly what he wants. Instead, the U.S. justice system gave him the one thing he didn’t want. He will not go free to plot the downfall of the infidel. He will not be given a free pass to 40 virgins in heaven (that’s Mohamed’s heaven, not mine). Instead, he will spend the rest of his life in a concrete cube with a black and white TV listening to American propaganda and, if God really wants to get even, Robert Tilton. (I heard this morning that while SuperMax cells have TVs they only have educational and religious channels. I’m guessing the Koran does not make frequent appearances. *Evil laugh*)
On his way out of the court room, Moussaoui spouted off that America lost and he won. Please don’t be offended by this. It is the equivalent of the skrawny punk on the playground running off crying with a bloody nose and then, from the other side of the fence shouting, “Oh yeah?! Well you stink!” To the person who delivered that bloody nose, it is icing on the cake. And I loves me some extra icing!

St. Paul City Hall has ordered that a “religious display” of a “cloth Easter bunny” be removed from the building’s lobby. How dare they infringe on my right to worship a comically over sized rabbit and psychedelic chicken embryos. According to the Third Testament of Saint Sponge Bob, we are all required to grovel before the Bunny of the Lord and burn offerings of plastic grass in order to receive our reward of eternal gingivitis.

In the past, St. Paul has banned red poinsettias from the building, because, of course, they symbolize the Holy Order of Red Messianic Shoe Shiners.

According to the article, the city’s Human Rights Director, Tyrone Terrill, demanded that the horrible hare display be removed, although no citizens had complained. Well, this citizen demands the removal of Mr. Terrill. If anything in that City Hall is offensive, it’s him.

I love science. I’m the kind of guy who takes comfort in certainty. Two plus two is always four. (Well, unless you’re using a number system that doesn’t include four. Or you’re trying to add incompatible objects. Or you have overloaded the plus operator. Or… oh never mind.)

But it irritates me to no end when scientist tromp all over the beauty of the scientific method with statements that we are supposed to accept as fact, but are based on ridiculous assumptions. Just because you get paid to be a scientist doesn’t make you immune from the scientific method!

We’ve seen this behavior from archeologists, geologists, biologists, ecologists and about ever other “ologist” you can think of. It defies reason that so many of our worlds “smartest” people can be so blind to their own bias and pride that they have become completely unreliable. Can you really trust anything a scientist tells you anymore? I don’t.

The easiest example is “global warming”. We’ve been indoctrinated for over two decades that man’s abuse of technology is going to bring about the end of the world by gradually raising the Earth’s temperature until the sky falls. Okay, not exactly, but something along those lines. I dare say it would be hard to watch 24 hours of news without hearing some nut job mentioning global warming.

However…

A recent study found that less of the sun’s energy is making to the Earth in the last five years (not more), and yet, miraculously, the world’s temperature has remained the roughly unchanged. According to this study, the Earth should be getting colder. How do scientists sum up this article?

“No doubt greenhouse gases are increasing … No doubt that will cause a warming. The question is, ‘Are there other things going on?'”

GAH!! He just finished saying that they can not explain what they’ve observed, but somehow he remains certain that the sky is still falling.

Okay, okay. So, let’s just say the sky is falling. Record hurricanes, droughts, blah blah blah. So the Earth is getting hotter. That would explain why it’s been so hot in Africa this year, right? Oh wait. It’s not hotter in Africa this year?!

No! In fact, for the second year in a row, there has been record snow in the Sahara! SNOW!! IN THE SAHARA!!

So, how is it that scientists are so wrong? Allow me to explain. In the last half century of so, scientist in every field have gotten into the habit of extrapolating. That is to say that they observe an event and then extend that event infinitely into the past or future and make assumptions based on the math.

For instance, scientists have noticed some major earth quakes on the Horn of Africa in the last few years. There are large fissures opening up in the ground. So, a scientist says, “Look! The ground has opened up 100 meters in only a few months. At this rate, Africa will be split in half in only a few thousand years!” WHAT? It would be funny if it weren’t true.

That is equivalent to someone observing a house fly traveling three feet through the air. “Look! That house fly flew three feet in only half a second. That means that in the last year, that same fly has flown 36,000 miles! He must be tired!”

As stupid as that sounds, it is exactly what we are being taught. Global warming, evolution, archeological dating, and pretty much our entire understanding of astronomy are all based on these kinds of retarded extrapolation. And you and I are expected to swallow it with a smile. Well, excuse me, but I don’t have much of a stomach for poo. Do you?

A while back, I posted about Richard Hatch, the Survivor contestant in a heap of trouble over his financial misdeeds. The verdict is in. Hatch was found guilty on all counts of tax evation, but was let off the hook for the fraud charges. His defense: Hatch was the “world’s worst bookkeeper” and never meant to do anything wrong. Pshyeah right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Hatch faces a maximum sentence of 13 years in prison and a fine of $600,000. Read more details.

Just yesterday I mentioned Mayor Ray Nagin’s “chocolate city” comment. Now “Willy Nagin” is an international super star. T-Shirts featuring Nagin’s face photo-chopped into a Willy Wonka logo have been selling like made and the company producing them (ImNotChocolate.com) says they’ve received orders from as far away as Malaysia and Norway.

In related news, Willy Wonka himself has announced plans to run for mayor of New Orleans. Read the double-scoop here. (Note to bitter leftists: This last part was what you call “satire”.)

Today’s “too stupid to be real” news story comes to us from none other that “The Donald”.

Now, pardon me, but anyone who is so pompous as to allow their name to be used as a noun does not deserve any fame, nor attention, but that’s beside the point.

In a recent book, Timothy L. O’Brien claims that Trump’s net worth is not, as “The Donald” purports, in the billions. Rather it is in the mere millions. “The Donald” has taken issue with this claim and sued O’Brien and the New York Times (for which O’Brien works) for defamation of character. (Again, I’m not sure there is much character left to assassinate, but that’s be side the point.)

“The Donald” is asking for five billion dollars in damages. Yes, billion with a “B”. Uhhh… Yeah.

So, basically, “The Donald” is saying, “Nuh uh! I am too a billionaire. And just to prove it, I’m going to make you give me enough money to make be one if I wasn’t one already. But I am. So there. And my dad can beat up your dad too!”

Like I said, for character assassination charge to stick, they’re going to have to prove that he had any character to begin with. But that’s beside the point.

Okay. Let me walk you through this slowly, because it’s a little hard to swallow.

In January 2001, 43-year-old Jerry Colaitis was enjoying the show at a Benihana hibachi grill in Long Island. The chef tossed a shrimp in Jerry’s direction, perhaps expecting the patron to catch it in his mouth, like most folks would do. But Jerry tried to dodge the shrimp, straining his neck in the process. So far, I’m thinking, “Well that sucks. He should have eaten the stupid shrimp!”

Five months later, in June 2001, poor old Jerry is going under the knife! Seems that Jerry’s doctor felt that surgery was the only way to cure Jerry’s chronic neck pain. The surgery didn’t go very well and Jerry ended up with some “complications” (whatever that means). Now I’m thinking, “Well that sucks. He needs to find a better chiropractor!”

Five months after that, Jerry checks himself into the hospital with a very severe fever. The next day, Jerry is dead. Not to belittle the fact, but I’m thinking, “Well that sucks. Maybe Jerry’s family should sue the hospital, or maybe even the doctor who did the surgery five months ago.”

But NO! Jerry’s family is not interested in suing the hospital (which would probably pay a lot of money to maintain its image as a safe place) nor are they interested in suing the doctor (who most assuredly has a plump malpractice insurance policy). No, they’re going for the big bucks… the hibachi chef! Cuz everybody knows THOSE guys have all the cash! (You can see it right there in their giant jar of tips. There’s gotta be twenty or thirty bucks in there!)

So now I’m thinking, “Wow, that really sucks. These people need to find a real lawyer instead of the guy who shouts on his commercials during ‘Days of Our Lives’.”

This story would be funny if it wasn’t true, but it is.